initializing

To say that I am a pretty private person is to put it mildly, so when I woke up this morning at 2am with the thought of doing a blog about the process of being chosen for a program of self improvement and transformation, my initial reaction (in the dark) was: Are you nuts?  To lay oneself out there and talk about ones weaknesses seems exhibitionistic at its worst, and yet if it is in the interest of health and wellbeing, isn’t it OK?  As the two me-s lay in the dark, warring with each other, each terribly fearful that the other would prevail, visions of the Dr Phils, the Maury Poviches, even the Oprah guests who sit on TV and “let it all hang out” danced in my sleepy head.  Go to sleep, I ordered myself. And yet sleep did not come.  As 2am turned into 3am and then into 4am, I thought “why not?” Isnt the idea of life to create and re create oneself? To let each day make one a better person, one who has learned from the lessons of yesterday?  I reflected on the lessons of life that we learn, some at the feet of our parents and teachers, some by reflecting on another’s example and deciding that we want to emulate or avoid that particular form of behavior, and some from our own successes and failures.

So, the first thing I thought of is to check the rules of the contest and see if blogging is in or out. This was not going to happen at 4 in the morning, but just jotting down some note wouldn’t be bad, right? So I tried to find some writing paper and a pen in the dark, managing only to wake my dog, my husband and, and probably half of Westlake village when I stubbed my toe. So I then turned on my little light hoping for a more successful search, but gave up when the sleepy husband asked what was the matter.   So here I am at 4:31am, sitting at my computer, banging out what are probably incoherent thoughts, just so I can empty the mind and try to get back to sleep.  The tried and true methods failed me two hours ago, because I had so much to say.  Having said them to the computer screen, or at least made some notes to say them at a future time, I hope to slip into the arms of Morpehus  and slumber until I have to take my dog to the park for our morning exercise and my daily quiet conversation with myself and with the dawn about how to become a better more self-fulfilled person.  I wonder how many other people have those daily conversations with themselves, part chiding, part motivational speech, part self blame. If only we could all be happy in what we are, or at least feel that each effort to become more like we want to be is a noble effort, not necessarily destined to failure, but destined to teach us more about ourselves in just the effort.

Doesn’t everything seem profound at 4:now 41 AM? It’s cold and my dog is nudging my arm saying: “What in the world is going on here?  Isn’t this one of the times of day that we are supposed to be sleeping?” And it is, so rather than wake the other half of Westlake Village with lights and sound, I bid you good night-- or rather good morning-- hoping that Morpheus is waiting for me, warm and comfy, now that I have had my little conversation with you.