Empty spaces and second chances

I couldn't help this morning but to think of the intersecting lines of our lives. Last night I was watching a show whose last line of dialogue was "You believe that things happen for a reason don't you?" and I couldn't help but think of that this morning. So many things happened yesterday that without the coincidence of what came before and before that, they never would have happened. And since what came out of it all was so much for the good, it just couldn't have been coincidence. That little click I heard was my little part of the Universe falling into place, and while I don't want to burden you with all the little steps that took place to make me realize this, suffice it to say that today I see the world as a different and happier and more abundant and forgiving place.
As Lucy and I took an easy walk around just the library this morning, I was thinking of empty spaces and second chances. The empty spaces of which I speak are the those left empty through loss. Loss is a condition of being human: we lose jobs and with them our sense of purpose, sometimes; we lose friends, sometimes through changes in circumstances like moving away or going to a new job or a new situation; we lose a sense of where we belong if we have to move to a new place; we lose a sense of trust and well being when we get sick and have to face fear of the future; and most important, we lose dear ones, sometimes far earlier than we can bear to lose them and the empty place that yawns inside us just cannot be filled and can grow unbearable. So what happens to that empty space? If it is something or someone that we have to mourn, and we somehow don't or can't take the time or have the wherewithal to do it, then we will have to revisit that time, and by then, the hole that the loss has created in us has grown and needs more to fill it. As we ignore or gloss over the hole, it grows until it can take over our lives. Some people fill it with work, some with food, some with drugs or wild behavior. But life is a series of second chances.
As long as we draw breath, we have available to us the opportunity to have a second chance. We have the opportunity to put the past behind us and to take a step in the direction of healing. No one will ever fill the place that my parents held in my life and I was lucky enough to have them well into my own advancing years. The hole, the empty space is there. But my brother said something to me this morning: "The past is a different country" and I realized the truth in that statement. Years ago I visited Spain and I have never felt so at home. Leaving there was like a wrenching away. But I know that for a hundred and one reasons I could not stay there. I remember it fondly, but not with longing. I rejoice in the time I spent there and what I saw and learned and felt and tasted. But it is not now, and I am on a new journey. It is a chance to see a new country, climb a new mountain, take a new journey. I will never have new parents, but I am lucky enough to have 8 new friends.
We, the lucky recipients of the gift of Project Transformation are on a new journey, having a second chance to put the past into perspective, enjoy the view from here, and know that we have new vistas to conquer, new sites to see. Getting to know each other, we are getting glimpses into what our cohorts are dealing with, what losses they have to face, and how they are embracing their second chances. Taking positive steps in the interest of your future has a ripple effect in your life and in the lives of the people who surround you and care about you. I have grown to care about my group, and I feel a caring from them as well. We are all climbing mountains, conquering demons, and slaying dragons, each a bit different from the others. The more I have learned about the struggles of others, the stronger it makes me because it puts my own struggles into perspective.
I want to share with all of you a quote I read in this morning's newspaper that was one of the intersecting lines that I spoke of earlier. I hope it will help you on your journey. It was said by the Korean climber Oh Eun-sun on her completion of conquering the 14 highest mountains in the world: "We don't beat mountains, they open up and let us in. When you reach the top, you have to give thanks to the mountain for allowing your climb". Some days I feel as if I am trying to beat my body into submission by exercise and denial, and I forget to give thanks to it for allowing the climb.
We are all given that second chance, that opportunity to reach the top, if only we will take it. So to my cohort group each of whom is fighting the good fight, making the time to change and learn and to conquer, I know that we will all be standing atop our own personal Everests, extending our hands to each other.

When one is on a trajectory, it is sometimes hard to remember what came before. The last week was a good one in many ways. My eating was quite a bit more on track, and it was good to be weighed and see that I had lost three pounds. My exercising is getting more of a habit, although my early morning walk has changed due to my darling Lucy (my dog) not feeling so well. It is shorter and easier so that she can handle it. She has always been such a strong companion to me and so able, and now she is not herself. It is hard for me to see her not well, but we will get some more information on Thursday. I have not taken out my emotions in eating.
Today I saw Barbara for a session of hypnotherapy. When she asked me about the things we had spoken of at the last healing session, it seemed as if those things were so far away. She made suggestions during the session, and I am hoping that they will help the whole process.
The great excitement has been that there was a spread in the Ventura County Star about our program and pictures of all of us. I had a call this morning from a total stranger about the program. It is interesting to read about each of us and to relate the information to the people we are coming to know. Going through six months of a program together, we are bound to have all sorts of milestones and occurrances. We got the good news that Kasi recently got engaged. I hope that all of our news will be equally happy and life affirming. Congratulations to Kasi and her fiance and their families.
One of the things that came up over the weekend is that we have this group that supports each other. It's not that we meet weekly like weight watchers, or OA, or other groups to weigh in, but that we see ourselves as a group, and I think, rejoice in the good that is happening to each other. We run into each other at times at the hotel, and we see changes, or talk about what we are doing, and are genuinely happy for the successes and advancements of the others. One of the group told me she has lost 18 pounds already. Wow! She looks great and I was so happy for her. I only wish I could be doing as well, but we are all different and what is good for one is not necessarily the same for others.
This week we will be treated to another wellness kitchen event and we get to bring guests along in the form of family or other supporters. It is fun and so imformative and delicious. And it will be nice to bring our families into the equasion as well. When they are going through the program with their own Project Transformation participant, now our "group" will expand to include each other's families, and that much more support. What could be nicer? I hope that we will find the time and the energy to stay in each other's lives.

Making it Happen..No waiting

So today is the first day of MAKING IT HAPPEN. I made myself a small poster for my frig that says "NOW is the time to MAKE IT HAPPEN." I would be happy to share if you want. My great weakness, bread, has proved to me that after several weeks without it, I still can't handle having really good bread in the house without going crazy. That delicious rye bread from the bakery has called to me all week, and I added slices for no reason at all except that they are delicious. When I awoke today, Sophia's admonition rang in my ear "if we don't do it now with all the support we have, when will we do it?" So today is the day. Last night I ate out, but ordered the 3oz sirloin, grilled. It was fine and enough food. I could have ordered two sides of broccali instead of broccali and a baked potato, but it was OK nevertheless, and I only thought of that this morning. That is an example of coming up with the solution after the fact, but there it will be the next time I find myself in a restaurant.
I feel myself getting stronger when I make a good decision, I just don't know why it takes so long. I know that last week was not a good week, I felt weak and needy, and the saying "no " was just not in the vocabulary. So there was the birthday cake at the 95th birthday party, a small slice but unnecessary, the tasting of the special cheese cake at the dinner I attended on Tuesday night, OK, I did manage to take the smallest piece on the plate, but I really didn't need it at all. Today I feel the strength in my bones, and if I can just manage to remember to drink plenty of water, to wash out the toxins, then the fabulous massage I had on Tuesday will really mean something. I am taking the time to re-read some of the materials that I have in my folder from CHLI. I looked at them before, but now in the midst of change, it is important to put them at the forefront. Everyone has been patient with me, except me, and now I am ready to redouble my efforts to make it happen. Magic is not something you can depend on in everyday life. So I am committing to you, kind readers, that I am making it happen and I will report to you how it is going. Each meal will be a small step on the road, using the Kaizen way. I won't worry about the last meal, or the one coming up, just the one in front of me. I have begun the journey again with renewed vigor. I will not use food for anything but nourishment, not for comfort, not instead of feelings, not for celebration. Paulette mentioned to me that if I am not hungry for the next meal on the agenda, it is probably because I ate too much at the last one. In thinking about it, I have not felt hunger all week. A sure sign that I have to make the effort to weigh and measure, to eat more mindfully, and to dring water.
Looking forward to a good workout today. At least the exercise is going well.

Waiting for......magic?

This morning as I was making the bed, a phrase flashed through my mind: " Waiting for something to happen is not the same as making it happen". I know that what seems profound to one person is pretty ho-hum to another, and my mother would have looked at me with a smirk and claimed 'Columbus!' indicating that I had said something pretty obvious, but perhaps if I explain...
Since I have been fighting the weight issue for a long time now, and at times have been pretty successful, only to fall off the wagon and have to start over again, I have tried for years to understand what happens to me when eating right, or in this case, sanely, is easy. Saying no to what is not good for me is not a struggle, not a wrenching, and certainly not a deprivation. It is just saying no, not now, not this time, I don't really care for any right now, perhaps another time. Those times seemed to descend on me by magic. And sometimes they lasted for really extended periods of time--a year, sometimes two. So as if by magic, the weight fell off and I was happy and people were complimentary and approving, and I thought it would be forever, because it was so easy.... and then the day came when the magic fell away, the old curse seemed to descend once more. The eat anything-eat seconds-eat what- makes-you-feel-not-so-good-but-tastes-wonderful-going-down curse. The eat-without- thinking, let alone thinking- about- consequences curse.
The problem was that there was no rhyme or reason that I could see for the magic shield to have come to protect me, and again no reason for it to have departed. Perhaps if I spent years on the psychiatrist's couch, I might be able to fathom the reason, and then again, perhaps not. But in the meantime the pounds pack on and the health gains disappear as if by magic as well.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I realized today that waiting for magic to happen is a fool's game and that the real magic is making a decision to do something and stick with it. It's not necessarily going to be easy. And maybe saying no to the cake or the cookie or the ice cream is going to wrench the hell out of you, but the magic is that when you do it you get to give yourself a pat on the back, an internal message of "good girl", a pep talk that healthier is better, a walking taller, a hope that those old "skinny jeans" that you may have hidden from yourself in the back of the closet will someday fit again, even if they are out of style, or no longer appropriate to your age or station in life.
So, making a decision will be the magic that we learn to make. The smooth card trick is making it seem easy when it's not, the rabbit that we pull out of the hat is the good health that makes itself known in the new lab results we get, or the new numbers on the scale, or the fact that the hill that is at the end of our walk now goes unnoticed rather than a huffing and puffing exercise. So to my wonderful cohorts at Project Transformation, our Magic Castle is not on a hill in Hollywood, but rather right off the freeway at Lindero Canyon in Westlake Village. And it is populated by master magicians of all disciplines, card tricksters at nutrition, rabbit producers in the gym, and teachers of strategic thinking in all the other departments. Making it happen is better than waiting for it to happen. Waiting may be easier, but making it is so creative, so proactive, that it has the power to make magicians of us as well.

How do you see yourself?

It was a lovely and rewarding weekend that began on Saturday with our group (minus one) meeting to discuss group health strategies. I have found it to be energizing to meet with the group and to get to know each other a bit at a time. Where we were all pretty guarded at first about our more personally held worries, now we are feeling a bit safer I would say. Some of us have sleep issues, some weight issues, and some other health issues. I always spend some of the time coming and going from the Hotel thinking about the program, where it is going and why I am there and how I am best going to take advantage of all there is to learn, to partake of, and to do. So on Saturday we talked about goals and measurements of success. Hearing everyone's ideas is such a help, and everyone is so generous with encouragement and good feeling. I think that we are becoming an actual group rather than just a gathering of people. I feel so good when I am at the gym and run into someone. Every now and then I see Kristy working hard, and Dave and I were the sole users of the gym on a recent Saturday nite. I've learned that Sophia finds the treadmill boring so she walks outside, and an injured foot caused Bill some slowdown. I saw Kristin after a workout and found out her hair is really wavy, and Percy had a wonderful trip and is starting later, but with equal enthusiasm. Casi's hours make it unlikely I will run into her except when we have group meetings, but all the same it's like learning about the people who live on the same floor in a dorm, or getting together with a new book club or something. We are learning about each other and finding differences and similarities that make us real to each other.
I thought that I was the only one for whom the first blush of excitement has worn off and who now has to buckle down and make it work. But I found out on Saturday that I'm not. At first it was the excitement and disbelief about our great good luck at being winners that made us sail along in the deep waters of new experiences, new ways of doing things and looking ar our time and our exercise and our food commitments. Now, I think that we are all aware that the hard work sets in. It is the scheduling, the fitting in of blocks of time to do what needs to be done, the changes in lifestyle and eating styles on a more or less permnent basis that makes it a challenge. After all, we have been doing what we did to get the way we are for a lot of years. Now is the time for change and so now we face challenges, and I am sure that each of us faces different ones.
Meditations on body image, diets, all kinds of programs that are geared to weight loss or change ask the practitioner to visualize him/herself the way they hope to be. If it is thin, to hold that image of themselves in the mind''s eye. I use "thin" and "weight loss" here as examples because that is my issue. If it is fitness for others, they have other images to hold. This morning I realized that when those meditations asked for a "picture", I have just kind of been glossing over that. I realized that I don't have or haven't been able to conjure that picture. I know that I want to be wearing slim fitting jeans with a tucked in blouse and a belt, but my own head, my own face is never in that picture. So when I say "what's wrong with this picture?" the answer is that I don't recognize it as me. That's a real challenge. The ability to see myself as I want to be. I wonder if any of the others have that problem, the ability to visualize themselves as they want to be.
So does it, do you think, as my cousin suggests, have something to do with feeling deserving? It's an important question for me and one I really have to ponder. I have always been the kind of person who felt that I could have what I wanted if I just worked harder at it. Not always the case as we know. You can't make someone love you by working harder. You can't keep someone alive by working harder at it. But I guess those two examples can be refuted. We can keep ourselves healthier and presumably alive longer by getting healthier with this program as the CHLI teaches us. And I guess we can learn to love ourselves by giving this golden opportunity everything we've got.
I'm learing that there are personal weak spots that I have to plan for in order to overcome them. I am getting better at it, but it needs work. Isn't it nice that there are things to do and learn and improve no matter how old you are? And isn't it delightful when you find a group of people that happened to come together through no fault or effort of their own and yet find a way to be friendly, encourage each other, learn from each other, laugh together, and work toward personal goals in concert with each other. In concert, I like that. By the time we finish this program, we could be a symphony. Wouldn't that be terrific?

Busy days

Some days I just can't believe how much there is to do in a day. Or maybe I am just experiencing a low energy week this week. I know that everyone has them. Sometimes when the weather is not quite what we want or in this case, expect, maybe it drains us of something. By this time in the year, I am usually just wearing a t-shirt and jeans to do the morning walk. But I am still wearing a jacket this year. OK not a heavy jacket, but it is weighing me down. The other thing that is really weighing me down is ♠I have to admit that I seem to have lost my focus on weight loss. I have been at a standstill for a couple of weeks, and it is so disappointing. It's not that I have been really attending to portions like I should. So I have only myself to blame. I am eating the "right food", prepared right, but I am just not attending to the right amounts. Is it only that I am tired of weighing and measuring? Or is it the prospect of always having to weigh and measure? Is it laziness, or is it something else. It's too early in the game to lose focus. I have run into alot of my cohorts in the program at the gym, and I am so proud of all of them. I need to shake myself out of this lethargy and get back on course. I like going to the gym, and it really energizes me, so I should really want to do it, and today I was planning to go, but by the time I finished all the undone chores from the week, I was beat.
I can't wait for tomorrow's Group Health Strategies session. I am hoping to get back some focus and soak up some of the energy from the group.
Have you noticed my new frog picture? I just love it and am looking for a frame for it for my bathroom so that I can look at it closely every day. Just can't return to those frog days!
The weekend will be a challenge and I am looking to my cohort group to help me with strategies to get through it. It is my aunt's 95th birthday and there will be a party with cake and ice cream and lots of family. It is a recipe for lots of mistakes. I have decided to sit and meditate all morning on how wonderful it will be to be healthier by NOT indulging in things that are unhealthy for me. After the party, I will plan to show up at the gym.
Well, everyone, have a happy weekend, and to my group who I will see in the morning, I am really looking forward to sharing and learning group health strategies. See you tomorrow!
Looking over what I have written, it doesn't even sound like me. I must need more sleep. I promise my next post will be more UP!

Well, Hello and Happy Friday. This has been an eventful week, full of meetings to attend, workouts to accomplish, and the regular stuff of life to fit in around it all. To anyone who reads this and is a Mom, greetings and salutations in advance of Mothers Day. To all of you who manage to do your best by your families, who try to do your best for yourselves, and manage, against all time constraints, to make the world a better place by spreading love, soothing hurt feelings, maintaining yourselves, and trying to be good to your friends and co-workers, you are a fabulous bunch and deserve hugs all around. So I hope you feel my arms encircling you and pulling you close for a moment. You make the world a better place.
Some of you may notice that my picture has changed. Please take a moment to take a good look at it. It was an early Mother's day present. You will note it is a frog in workout duds--athletic shoes, wristbands, and a towel to wipe away the sweat. The perfect accompaniment for this bit of fluff. This frog appears to already be in much better shape than I am in, but I am working my way toward those trim legs. So take a moment to get acquainted with my stand-in, making her image big enough to see in detail. What a find!
Just as I manage to conquer the workout that Laurie assigns me, there are new things to add, new weightier weights to use, new routines and machines to get acquainted with. What makes it easier to adapt is that Laurie, while dispensing grueling workouts, also dispenses smiles and encouragement and tells me that I did well. I really don't want to disappoint her, so I keep doing what I'm doing, and attempt to make her proud. Wishing that she had been around earlier in my life does not make it so, and that was yesterday. I am learning that it is never too late to get into better shape. I used to take the same walk around the park with Lucy every morning, at the same speed and intensity. Since I have been working out, I take the reverse route, just a bit more up strenuous, more uphill, and a bit faster than before. And it is easier and I am less out of breath. The last hill that I used to walk down on the other route, I now walk up at the end of the walk. At first it was a bear, and I stopped halfway up. This morning, I noticed that for the first time, I didn't really notice the incline and I wasn't out of breath. Definitely progress, no? Then later, after I plan the weekend, I will go to the gym, walk another mile and do all the upper body strengthening routines that I still have to do. However, I have been paying so much attention to the workouts, that I have kind of lost my attention to the nutrition part of the game.
So, today, I will start again to record my meals and water. It makes one more mindful. I realized that I have forgotten to take in any liquid during the day except what I drink after my workout. This is not good. Making time for the physical part of the program and attending to them has diverted my attention. Now I have to get back on the nutrition bandwagon. After all, it was Paulette who started this whole thing. I have remained faithful to the promise to stay away from bread for awhile, but I have to admit, that now and then a sweet creeps up and jumps on board. So mindfulness is the name of the game, and writing down what I eat, recording good days and maintenance days, as opposed to binge days, is really important. Breakfast is not a problem and since I don't seem to crave variety at breakfast, the oatmeal with berries and almonds is fine for the long term. Even dinner is OK. It's the rest of the lunch and post lunch day that seems to be more problematic. So I will follow Casi's lead and pack a lunch. It makes the most sense. Last weekend, I got so over-hungry for lunch, that I couln't stop eating all afternoon. But while my weight has remained stable, I am thrilled to report that my body is changing shape. I am fitting into things I have not worn for a couple of years and were languishing at the back of my closet. (The next step is the give-away pile) I am even developing shoulders! So all of you "mature" ladies out there, there are biceps and triceps in there just waiting to be discovered, not to mention abs. All we have to do is look for them. So jump on that treadmill that is functioning as a clothesrack, unearth that Nordic Track, take a walk, get a balance ball, just do something that you didn't do yesterday because you were too stiff. Start light and work up and don't forget to stretch afterward, and be sure to BREATHE. I tend to hold my breath, so I am reminding you.
Again, Happy Mother's Day. Give yourself a pat on the back, or take a walk in the gardens that are all around us, take a hike, make a healthy meal, just treat yourself well. You deserve it!
PS Get a buddy who encourages you and cheers you on. It really helps. Thanks Laurie.

Getting Organized

Today was the day I finally got organized. Already into the game, I was finding, or rather losing, lots of the papers that I have just been stuffing into my original folder that I got on the night of the original award. I was forever looking for stuff, so today I put everything into a divided accordian folder with slots for medical results, nutrition, appointments, charts I should be keeping in a more organized way, fitness, recipes etc. What a relief. I had lost track of my recipes and was wandering through my kitchen searching for them, and finally I got so frustrated, I just sat down at my desk and started excavating to get everything organized and put away, and there were the recipes. Since I have never cooked anything at my desk, I don't know what they were doing there.
Well, I have to report that the good results that I am getting are getting noticeable. My daughter say I walk differently, and while I feel that I have better balance and am walking faster and stronger, I hadn't realized it was noticeable. I have convinced my husband that he needs to exercise, and today he took the first step by calling to find a place near his work where he could get some water therapy. I am just thrilled. Already a force for good is happening. I have noticed that I feel stronger. I have also noticed that taking a day off is not sloth, but a needed regeneration. With the new upper body exercises, my shoulder was hurting, and I was feeling like "am I going to have to be in pain for six months while I get in shape?" But Lorrie had said that the strength training should not be on consecutive days, so a day off in between took care of the pain. Also, I decided to add a two mile walk on Saturday afternoon to my regular morning walk with Lucy my dog, and I wore us both out. So on Saturday night I went to the gym so I couold rearrange my schedule, met Dave there, and we had the whole place to ourselves. Balancing on the BoSu ball was nearly impossible, and walking the treadmill without holding on was also not in the cards. So on Sunday, Lucy and I just had our morning play session, and took the rest of the day off. But guess what. Yesterday when I went to the gym, I could balance for almost the whole 30 seconds! "Look ma, no hands" and I was able to walk the treadmill also no hands at my regular speed. Lorrie had said to back off the speed if I needed to. Wow, was I jazzed by that great leap forward. OK, so it's not such a great leap, but it felt like it. I have to be satisfied that each of us has to go at our own pace. Do you notice a change in your shape? Look for it, it is there.
I woke up this morning thinking that having a group that we are working with, even though we don't see each other, is a really good thing. The group dynamic wants us to help each other, and not to let the others down by not working at the program. I guess that is why groups that make you accountable are so successful, like Weight watchers and Alcoholics anonymous are so successful. We all have our moments, but I have to remember, that if you work the program it works. I think that is a paraphrase from something they say in AA. There are so many people rooting for us, I have to remember to root for myself. How about you? By the way, a lot of the recipes call for lemons and lemon juice, and I have a tree that just gives and gives, so if you need lemons, let me know.

I have to go to the gym now, so I will just say bye for now. Keep up the good work,