Catching up

Well, I can hardly believe that we are already putting 2010 to bed. I am just getting over it being a new millenium, and we have already used up the first decade of it. The final day of a year that has been as wonderful for me personally as it has been awful. I have come through a program of self improvement that has actually improved me! I have studied some new material that has enhanced my personal life and personal relationships, and has taught me new and better techniques for my professional life. I have made new friends, and have looked on my old and valued and much loved ones as the golden treasure they are. And every day I appreciate the many good things that come my way: the smiles, the weather, the love of my family and my beloved Lucy, good health, good memories and good friends.
I am grateful that there are people of good will in every country that are trying to conteract the wars and terrorism and poverty and bring some peace and harmony to our planet. I appreciate the advances that have been made in medicine and science that make us healthier and more comfortable, better able to withstand disease, and to cure it when it befalls us. I am most grateful that I have been able to help others in small ways, and to add to some level of comfort that we hope to have in the world. I look forward to being more involved in my community in the new year, to enhancing my own power to help others, and to being an instrument of good change in the days to come.
HAPPY NEW YEAR! MAY 2011 BE A YEAR OF PEACE AND HARMONY, HEALTH AND SUSTENANCE FOR ALL PEOPLE. MAY GOOD WILL PREVAIL.

Merry Christmas

Well, everyone, tomorrow is Christmas day and I am wishing all of my dear friends for whom this day is important and celebratory, a wonderful and happy Christmas. I was thinking this morning of all the wonderful Christmasses we have celebrated over the years with good friends who have since passed away. Christmas is not our holiday, but good friends for whom it was important often included us in their celebrations, and we were happy to share their good cheer and the importance to them of this sacred and happy time. My parents, devoted Jews, were great celebrators. Every time the family was together, every time that we spent in the company of people we loved, of whatever religion, was a moment of celebration. At this time of year, I spend some time thinking of those generous people who included us in their holidays, and were not afraid to be incuded in ours.
I remember a lovely woman, Hattie was her name, who always included us in her Christmas. We kids (there were four of us) were little and I was the youngest, and it was certainly my first brush with the light and color and sweets and treats of Christmas. I can remember the anticipation of walking up the stairs to the apartment she shared with her husband, and seeing the tree with the colored glass balls and the "snow" and the tinsel and all the simple decorations of the early 1950s. Hattie was of Polish extraction and shared her special holiday memories and treats with us American California kids. She is gone now. She never had children, but attended Passover seders at my house sometimes when I had kids. She will be alive as long as I and my children remember her. But now I wish I had told her how I felt about those Christmasses past that she shared with us.
When we got older and lived next door to an devout Italian Catholic family, we shared their Christmas as well. The cookies were to die for, and the noise and singing and friendship and laughter were to live for. My grandfather and the grandmother from next door used to sit on the front porch and speak in Italian and keep each other company. I remember going to Louise's graduation from Catholic high school, at St. Timothy's on Pico Boulevard in Los Angeles. It was truly awe-inspiring. It was shared celebration. Mrs. Foti is gone now, and Jenny and Louis too, but I hope that they knew how very dear they were to me and how much I loved being included in their Christmas. I knew it was theirs and not mine, but I also knew how generous they were to share it with me.
Over the years, many other families have taken us to their very big hearts on Christmas and shared the joy of their holiday with us. When we lived in San Jose, the principal of the school where I taught, and her mother and sister, gave my children the same feelings of inclusion that other friends have done over the years. Jo, the mom, passed away last year, but I hope that somehow she knew what it meant to me that she welcomed us into her home, shared her holiday with us, gave us the benefit of her wisdom and love and made us feel like family when we were so far from our own.
So here in this short few paragraphs, I have said "I hope they knew" three times. I guess that I am reminded at Christmas, to not only hope that people know what they have meant to me, but to tell the ones that I am lucky enough to still have right here how much I love and appreciate them. Every year, the kids and I take a "Regina Amira Memorial Christmas Lights Tour" of the neighborhood. That was my mom, and she absolutely loved Christmas lights. She was such a kid at heart all her life. I loved the things, the joie d'vivre, the joy that she modeled for us, and the openness to good times and celebrations, no matter whose they were.
So take this time, this moment, to tell those you love and are lucky enough to have around still, how much they mean to you. And when someone wishes you Merry Christmas, Happy Kwaanza, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Holidays, take in the meaning and forget the specifics and smile.

Reflections on TIME

Reflecting on time is something that people do as they get older, I guess. Recently I was reading a book in which the main character reflects that she has less time ahead of her than behind her, and that she has realized how much time was wasted in her youth on things that in the end turned out to be unimportant. She mentions the impatience she felt with her husband and son, and the time she spent being indifferent to neighbors or co-workers, rather than spending time as a mentor or friend.
All the anger that we waste so much energy on, say in traffic, or waiting in line is a good example of wasted time; all the grudges we hold for what seems to be perfectly good reasons, in looking back on them from a distance, we oftentimes discover that they weren't good reasons at all, and they did not add anything to our happiness or sense of wellbeing. Sometimes, rather the opposite. And the character in the book remarks that we never know what a waste of time it is while we are doing it.
I have reading a book by a teacher that I have been studying with, and one of the things that she talks about is how we would like to be remembered, what we would like to be remembered for. She joked in a lecture about what we would like on our tombstone; whether we would want it to say something like "Here lies Maria, she had issues" or rather something else, like "Here lies Maria, who lived a life of love and fulfillment". I am not trying to be morbid here, but just passing on this gem: that if we think about how we would like to be remembered, it tells us something about what is really important to us, and that we can then go on ahead with our lives doing and reinforcing those very things which are important and letting go of the rest of the "stuff" that we waste so much of our precious time doing.
Because life IS precious. We each have hours and days and years to spend making ourselves who we want to be, passing on our thoughts and ideas, effecting change in the word if we dare, and then leaving it all behind. Doesn't it make sense to make those hours and days that we have the best that they can possibly be, to make them the happiest and most beautiful, to create around us a lively and interesting environment that we can share with the people we love and respect?
When we are young, we think that we have all the time in the world to make decisions, to correct mistakes, to forge ahead without thought or apology, and then the time passes and we don't always or perhaps even ever notice its passing. But pass it does, and just as the woman in the book, we have less time ahead than behind. So think of how worthwhile it would be to think now of how we want to be remembered, and then go out and do something about making that happen.
The year is about to turn. The 21st century is already 10 years old. It's a good time to think about time and to reflect on how we want to spend ours. You are writing your own story, what do you want it to say? Who are you willing to be?

Giving Thanks

It has been so long, not because I haven't thought of all I had to say and share, but because the time has seemed so short. To catch everyone up, Project Transformation has ended as a program for the eight of us lucky winners, but we are all still in the process of being transformed as is every single person, every single day. All of the new things we see and learn and do, all the new people we meet who affect our lives, all of the people we love-- all of our losses, even--combine to transform us each and every day. And isn't that a lucky thing? Because it means that as long as we live and breathe, we have the ability the capacity to transform into something better than we are right at this moment. Every thought that occurs, every grain of truth that we realize, has the power to change us.
We Project transformation winners had an amazing experience, learning to eat well, to treat ourselves to exercise and excellent self-care, to set goals that we had a method and steps for accomplishing, and take it all out into our own world and have it become part of our lives. What a gift! It was winning the lottery.
So this week, just about two months after the end of our sojourn at the Califoria Health and Longevity Institute, when we are prepared to think about all we are thankful for, that six month time out of time that we were treated to will be right up there with my thanks for good health, a wonderful family, and the life of my darling dog Lucy. That education, that period of tender loving care and wicked hard work is one of the many things that I am thankful for this year. I am thankful for the new friendships I have made this year, and for all the old and faithful friendships that I am so fortunate to have. I cherish them new and old alike.
We are approaching the end of the year, and it is time to take stock. Thanksgiving comes at a good time of year, as it is a prelude to turning over the year (in the Gregorian calendar) and thinking about change. What have we done that we might have done differently, what new challenges will we face, and how do we want to face them this time around. I have learned so much in the past two months about myself, and even about the people that I am most familiar with and thought I knew everything about. I was wrong. I will save this revelation for another day, but I would like everyone I know to stop a moment to take a real clensing breath, and think about how lucky we all are, not because of what we have, but because of who we are, and that we are capable of striving to be better.
In the deepest part of my soul, I wish you all a happy Thanksgiving, meaning being happy about being grateful. What could be better?

Learning from Magicians

Well, our Project Transformation experience has formally come to a close. Tomorrow night we have our farewell party, and officially fly out of the nest. We have all taken our final tests, received our final results, met with our trainers who have sent us on our way with instructions, met to prepare and eat Breakfast for Performance, received recipes and learned what our bod pod results were. Some of us will continue at CHLI, and some of us will go to other gyms, hike and walk on our own, join classes in yoga and dance, and do other healthy things.
But for myself, while I am flying solo, I will be thinking of the magic that this program has wrought on not only me but all of us. I can't imagine that any of us are going to walk out of the hotel tomorrow night feeling like the same person we were when we walked in. My son-in-law reminded me on Saturday how ambivalent I was as I entered the contest. Not about how good an experience it would be, but whether I would be up to it. I think we all walked in with doubts about ourselves, and I think that I can detect that our physical muscles were not the only ones that were built in the course of the program. In mulling over what I have learned, in addition to the obvious instruction in nutrition and physical training, I have learned, as I told Dr Barr, to say both "yes" and "no". I have learned that when I am offered some water by someone who will go and get it and bring it to me, there is nothing wrong with saying "yes, thanks". There is nothing selfish about letting someone else take good care of you, and then you can return the favor sometime. There is nothing wrong with being pampered, with feeling good, with looking good, and with feeling the power of accomplishment. There is also the important "no" that I have learned. Saying no to overload, or overwhelm, or overcommitment is good for neither the body, nor the psyche, nor the job that needs to get done well.
When we started, I was in a place where I never said no. One of the reasons I stated about wanting to be chosen was that I wanted it to be my turn for a change. I had always felt that it was as if I were in a line, and as the people in the line had their needs met, they stepped to the back and waited for their turn to come again, but when I got to the front, someone else always seemed to have a more urgent need than mine, and I stepped to the rear without ever having my needs met. Project Transformation was a way to get my most important needs met, the way to learn to take really good care of myself, and --surprise!--in doing that to take really good care of the people in my life. From what we have discussed briefly, the other people in the program had similar experiences. Some families are eating at home more, have jettisoned fast food from their diets, are incorporating more exercise into their days, and are more aware of what they eat, what's in it, and how it will help or hurt their goals for themselves.
So all that I can say is that the Magicians of Project Transformation have waved their magic wands, and given us gifts that will stay with us all our lives, hopefully now that will be all of our healthy lives, and the magic dust that has fallen on us was so generous and plentiful, that others have benefited as well.
We have been given the gifts of SMART goals, Kaizen Steps, learning the value of restful sleep and breakfast, label reading, and portion control. Is there any way to say 'Thank you' to magicians, except to be ambassadors of living well and healthily, to being living examples of all that has been taught and given to us so generously?
And one more thing, and not a small thing at that. The Four Seasons hotel has made us welcome with smiles and greetings and feelings of welcome from the beginning, from the door personnel, to the locker room attendants and the pool personnel. Each thing that we have experienced, from the Spa, the massages, the healing sessions with Barbara, and the makeovers with Billy has been more (dare I say?) icing on a very lavish and amazing cake.
I hope to continue my blog and keep my readers apprised of what I am doing and how I have taken the lessons of Project Transformation and use them in my everyday life. I pledge to keep everyone informed as to my progress. It will be one of the many forms of accountability that I will be working into my daily program of self improvement.
To my faithful readers, thanks for sticking with me. Hope you have enjoyed the journey as much as I have. It's far from over.
And to the Magicians at CHLI and the Four Seasons hotel, Thanks for the ride.

Things Happen for a Reason

Always having been a believer in the sentiment that "things happen for a reason", I have thought of this phrase several times recently. I think that all of us Project Transformationists are dealing with mixed feelings that our time with the Project is reaching its end. I think that I can say that without exception, all of us have done better than we could have imagined, losing weight, getting fitter, feeling better, seeing surprising and very pleasing changes in our test results. But the thrill of this is mixed with some degree of trepidation about being able to sustain all that we have done and continue to use all that we have learned. We have not reached the end of the journey, or the top of the mountain, but have miles to go yet. And then there is the very real work that will go into maintaining all of the gains we have made once our goals have been reached.
We have , I think that I can say without exception, appreciated how lucky we have been to have been the recipients of all of the attention of the Community of Caring that is CHLI, and the courtesy and helpfulness of all of the staff of the hotel and spa that we have interacted with, that has without doubt been pleasant and rewarding. But now it is time for us to 'leave the nest', to be out in the real world, to fly on our own, to arrange our world so that we still have all of the elements that have made the journey possible: accountability, diligence, balance, hard work, and patience. And to realize that continuing the journey will reap the rewards of continued good health and fitness.
I was so pleasantly surprised to reexamine the papers that we had filled out at the beginning of the program, when we set goals, and designed strategies to make those goals a reality. I had done just about all of the things that I set out to do, setting goals, designing small Kaizen steps to reach those goals, and defining what the barriers to success might be so that they can be dealt with before they become a problem, along with identifying supports and rewardss, extrinsic sources of motivations. I never did identify any rewards on my sheet, but now that I have achieved some of the goals, I can see that the rewards might have been having to revamp my wardrobe, wearing things that might not have been comfortable for me to wear before. Internal rewards are being realized often when people compliment me on how good I look, and I feel good about it.
So the things that have happened for a reason are first and foremost, the winning of the contest that made such a difference in our lives and the lives of our families, because the learning that we have done has benefitted not only ourselves, but spouses and children as well. Another is the sense of self that we have gained. For me there was a learning curve to taking my place at the "front of the line" not all the time but certainly sometimes. Learning to make the time to get fit equally important as all the other things that we somehow manage to schedule into our days has set us up to be on our own, and to still set aside time for this very important activity. And now, being cut loose also has a reason. Taking the opportunity to order our lives in such a way as to maintain our achievements and set new and perhaps differet goals for ourselves. As kids, we had the opportunity to set goals of good grades, or awards, or scholarships, or athletic wins. Later we had educational goals perhaps, graduating college, advanced degrees, jobs, and personal goals of marriage and children. Now we have the responsibility of other personal goals that only we can control: Maintaining health and fitness to the best of our abilities, staying active, being aware, recognizing when we need help and seeking it out.
So as we phase out of this very rewarding place that we have been so fortunate to have been blessed with, we will take with us a renewed sense of life and self, what it means to have goals and to work hard to achieve them, and the very real rewards of being healthy and fit and continuing along this path for the foreseeable future.

Tempus Fugit

Yes, the time has flown by, and we Project Transformationists have come to a place where our journey doesn't end, but where we part ways with our mentors, our trainers, and all the people who made it easy for us to stay on track. The road has been made easier with all those helping hands, but now that we can walk by ourselves, it is up to us to keep up the practice, to find ways that we can encourage ourselves, not backslide, be accountable and keep on the journey. These were only the first steps of the journey. First, we made decisions about our destinations and goals, and then we outfitted ourselves for the trip. We took our first steps and found that we could fit exercise and good food preparation into our busy lives. We educated ourselves, with lots of help, about the terrain, and took precautions, and even when we hit bumps in the road, we kept putting one foot in front of the other and moved ahead. Today, we look around at each other and only Percy looks the same, because he started out quite trim, but his reports of better numbers are quite a feat. Everyone else has changed equally significantly, but it is more apparent to the naked eye. Along the way on our journey, we have gotten healthier and even better looking; we have left lots of pounds by the side of the road, and we have also left behind the idea that there are things we can't do. Christy and I discovered that we actually liked to hike. Kassi has discovered that she can run down criminals and catch them more often than not. Kristin has overcome some very difficult times and still has lost the weight, looks only too fabulous and has a 1000 watt smile, well deserved. Sophia has been our hiking mentor, our demon tamer, our hard working Amazon, and looks terrific. Don't even get me started on the men. Bill and Dave look like different people than the ones who started with us. I have increased my strength and balance, feel great, and have had to buy smaller underwear twice!
I guess that all of us, or I should speak only for myself, and say that I am looking at the end of the program with some fear and trepidation, some elation, some relief and more than a little amazement. CHLI and the Four Season Hotel have given us six glorious months. we have practiced what we have learned, we have built up new habits, made new friends, learned tons of important lessons, and the gifts will just keep on coming as we practice what we have learned. We have added quality to our lives that was not there before. We have been given the chance to help our families learn to live healthier by example, so our mentors have not only helped us, but our spouses, and the next generation as well.
I don't suppose that there is a way to say Thanks for such gifts as those mentioned above, but I am sure that we have all reveled in our luck at being chosen to participate in this experiment. We have wanted to pinch ourselves as we enjoyed the healing sessions with Barbara and the massages. We have wondered, at times, what we were doing sweating like crazy as we engaged in some demon-invented bosu balancing while standing on our heads. OK, that's an eggzageration but it felt like that.
Now we will have to be our own fitness-demons, we will have to channel Paulette and Erika as we stare at a plate of food that someone has put in front of us and think "dressing on the side, quantity is important here, and is the dessert good enough to be worth those extra calories?"
We will have to get our proper number of hours of sleep, and plan strategically for times when things are not as easy to stick with. We will have to create our own schedules for fitness, training, learning and doing what we have learned.
The time has flown, but it has not been wasted. There are eight very appreciative people who will live better and healthier, and hopefully longer, due to the magnificent gift which has been bestowed upon us.
So to all the management and staff at CHLI, and all those at the hotel who have made our sojourn there so pleasant and lovely, a heartfelt Thanks. ♠

The gift of time

Time has become the greatest luxury of all. We are so pressed for time, that we talk on the phone while we are doing twenty other things, and we listen to books on tape while we drive, and we rush from one thing to the next, with our minds filled with what needs to be done at the things after that.
What this time that we have spent at Project Transformation has done for us, while it has filled our schedules even more, it has given us the time to think of ourselves, our needs, and most importantly of our health and its long term implications. No one can say what will happen tomorrow, but odds are good that if we eat right, exercise, sleep enough, and practice good health regimens, we will extend the years in our lives, and more importantly, extend the life in our years.
This time of year is a time of change, looking forward, putting our mark on the future. Kids go back to school, the summer is over and families settle into routines, vacations are mostly behind us, and we begin to plan for the end of another calendar year. For me this is a time of contemplation. My religion teaches us that we must think of promises that we have made in the past year that we have not kept, and make amends. It is good to be reminded of this or we forget that we must keep our word, we must follow through, we must thank and we must be grateful for our many blessings. I remind myself that I want to fit more kindness into my life, and I am reminded that I, too, must be a recipient of my own kindness. We moms have to take our turn at being the most important person in the family every now and then,(dads probably do, too) and we have to become much more sensitive to unconscious self sabotage of our accomplishments.
We have been given the gift of time, and we have used it to increase self awareness in our food intake, to increase our strength and resolve, and now we have to use it, and practice it and expand it. While I exercise, I am not thinking of what needs to be done next, I am giving it my whole heart and attention. That was but one of the many gifts we have received. So now I promise that the block of time that I am putting on my calendar to set aside for working out, will be a gift that keeps on giving, one in which I continue to pay close attention to what I am doing. I promise that I will not fall back into bad or sloppy eating habits. I promise that I will take care of myself as well as I have been taken care of over the last six months.
It is with a sense of loss that we now have to contemplate the end of our program as it was. We were pampered and pummeled, taught and tested, weighed and measured, but most of all we were cared for. Who will not miss being asked if we would like a glass of water? Who will not miss the luxury of having someone, or rather many people, who really cared about our progress, who kept a close watch on how we were treating ourselves. It is now up to us to keep that watch, to be not only a team member, but the Captain as well. As we map out strategies, and plan our exercise regimes, it is important to keep those goals in front of us, to keep moving in the direction of the goals that we set out toward at the beginning. Some of us have made our goals, and have only to keep maintaining them. Some of us still have a ways to go, but let no one say that they can't do it, because the evidence is there that you, we all, have done it and can keep continuing to do it.
So, today, as we prepare to take fitness "after" pictures, let's take a minute to think about all we have done, all there is left to do, and to thank those who have been with us all the way, encouraging us, urging us, applauding us and teaching us.
To all of the CHLI staff, the hotel staff, and everyone who we have come into contact with over this time, Thanks a Million. We couldn't have done it without you. But we are going to keep making you proud of our progress.

Wow, all of us Project Transformationists (almost) together in one room. What a dazzling display of effort and success. Our meeting on Saturday was for the purpose of making plans once the Project is over and we are on our own. It is essential to make plans for after. I can think of so many parallels in life. You have swimming lessons, and then comes the day that you have to dive into the deep end and prove that you can do it. But swimming is something that stays with you forever. You never really forget how to swim. You flap, you swallow a couple of gulps, but then you relax into it and are swimming along.
We have learned what is good for us and what works to get us to a place that we would rather be, a place of health and feeling better, more like the us we were meant to be. But have we learned, is it is the muscle memory to push ourselves away from the table, to say no to that dessert that we really don't need, in my case to never get started on that piece of bread because I know that I am powerless to stop. This morning, I had a doctor appointment. I had to be in Tarzana at 8am. I had arranged for my daughter to take Lucy for her morning walk so I cold get out on time. But when I got up, I realized that I need that walk as much as Lucy does (although not for the same reason), so I got into my clothes, lickety split, and got down to the park. I did get to the doc on time, so that was a good thing. I hope that this is a portent of the future.
I realized on Saturday, that even thought I have made it into the gym at least three times, usually more, every week, I did not schedule it. I fit it in between laundry and meetings and other things. Just like paying yourself first to save money, I am going to have to get more used to blocking in my exercise time, and scheduling the rest around it. For now this has to be my priority, until it becomes a part of me. I have done pretty well, but there is more to be done and the importance of having an inspirational person out there came home to me when I ran into Mr. Gertler on Thursday in the hallway of the hotel. We had a wonderful talk, and he was kind enough to show me a photo of himself standing at the top of a 14,000 ft. peak that had been his aspiration to climb, and this year he climbed it. His pride in his accomplishment was wonderful to see, inspiring to me, and made me feel as if I have to set some goals. Fitting them into the
S M A R T configuation makes sense.

The S is for specific. What is it you want to do? Run a 10K?
The M is for measurable. It's going to be the Alzheimer's 10K.
The A is for attainable. It's 6 months away. It's a stretch, but if I train, I can do it.
The R is for relevant. It relates to some long term intention, an underlying aim or purpose that has special meaning for you. I want to be healthy and fit.
The T is for time based. A specific date for the attainment of this goal. I will do this by March

While we think about the goals we want to achieve, we are teaching ourselves to be what we want to be. We would not have tried out for this project if we did not have something in mind. We have been, for the last six months, the toddler, held by both hands while we learn to walk. When CHLI lets go, we are bound to take a few spills, but you don't unlearn to walk. You don't sit there where you plopped down on your butt and stay until the moss grows. You get up and take another step and another until walking is just the precursor to running. We are walking successfully most days. We are also getting up and starting over when we fall. It is up to us to find the path that best suits our purpose in order to realize our life's intention.
So to all my cohorts, I salute your success, and I commend you to the care of yourselves, as we adults actually have to be, to do what you have to, to sustain the victories that you have achieved.

Sorry for the long silence. I have been thinking a lot about the upcoming months in which we will be finishing up our sojourn with the California Health and Longevity Institute as our immediate mentors, and making our own all that we have learned and practiced. It is only now that I feel, after so many months of weighing and measuring, of exercising and learning, that all of this has become a part of me, actually a part of who I have happily become. I have had the happy experience of going through my closet and culling out all of the big clothes that no longer fit. Now, granted, I am not a person who has ever worn very fitted clothes. But even then, one cannot wear something that simply wont suit. Luckily I sew and can either alter, or make new. What delightful circumstances. I have no intention of holding on to anything "just in case". Been there, done that, and it is not healthy.
I had a pair of new jeans on a shelf in my closet that I had ordered by mail quite some time ago. They were supposed to be my target jeans for the interim. This morning I tried them on and guess what? I have passed right by them without knowing! They are too big for me to wear. I am happily putting them into a bag with other clothing to donate to a worthy cause.
However, I am thinking about what has helped spur us all to our successes. Everyone has made such magnificent progress, not that we are all finished, or at the point we hoped to be, some are I would think, but we who must continue to drop weight, and everyone, who must continue to practice our healthy lifestyle, eating right, getting enough rest, managing stress, are being asked to come up with methods to help ourselves stay on track.
There is certainly something to the process of accountability that we have experienced. We know that once every week we will be stepping on that scale, or working out with someone who has worked with us to show us how to perform the exercises that target our problems. Having a mentor, certainly more than one, who has been a friend, a disciplinarian, a teacher, and lots of other good things all rolled into one has been the experience of a lifetime. It has meant that we could not just drift, we could not just toss away our gains, we could not lose perspective or the sight of our goals. We are in a game worth playing, with goals worth playing for and each day, with charts, and reminders, and kind words and learning to trade new habits for old, we are changing the way we view ourselves, and the way we will view our places in the world.
I am sure that each of us has a body image that we are struggling to achieve, and one that we are struggling to let go of. I look at an article of clothing and think "Oh I can't wear that, and then a voice of reason quietly whispers in my ear "Are you sure of that? why don't you think again, you're different now" and I am forced to look in the mirror, a practice I have never liked, and see that there is a new "me" emerging. We are trading a lot of new things for old--new habits, new clothes, new thoughts, new bodies. the real triumph will be to achieve comfort with the new and not cling to the old and familiar.
There is so much to be grateful for, and so much to be proud of, and so much to add to each part of our new beginning until we reach a sense of true balance. I hope that we can all be pillars of strength for each other, the source of kind words and encouragement, and when necessary, a sounding board for moments when challenges need to be met with strength.
We still have some time left to let the learning take hold and sink in, and it is up to us to be open and eager enough to absorb it. So to all my fellow Project Transformationists, we are in the "home stretch" and I wish you the best. We have to remember that we are just like the people who began last April, only better.

Finding Calm and Ourselves

Last night I was happily reminded of an old friend that I haven't had the food fortune to see since we left the place of work where we first got to know each other. He was the calmest person I think I have ever known. He is a Buddhist, and after an interesting discussion over lunch one day he brought me a book, the title of which had a huge effect on my thinking then and since then. It is entitled, "When the Student is Ready the Teacher will Appear" and I don't know but I believe that this is a very important tenet of Buddhism. I have been thinking of this in relation to our Project Transformation. I think that one of the reasons that we were chosen for this program is that we appeared to the panel to be ready for this Transformation for which we were asking to be considered. I keep that book in the drawer at my bedside, and just looking at the title sometimes calms me, because it tells me that the things that I might want to happen right now, and am angry and impatient if they don't, are perhaps not ready to happen, or perhaps, even though my conscious mind would disagree, perhaps I am not ready to have them happen. My point is that we were ready, and the contest appeared for us and we were chosen. It has been up to us to take advantage of the teachers and to learn the lessons.
And the reason I bring this up is that yesterday I received in the mail another book, one that I had forgotten I ordered quite some time ago, and it is entitled "Letting Go of the Person You Used to Be" and while it has to do with loss and change, just the title caught me up short. As we travel though life, we experience many different kinds of emotions, events, and places. Each one affects us in a way that changes us or affirms us in some way, even the smallest way that we may not recognize at the time. We have in our minds an idea of who we are, and yet, events and such are changing us all the time. Lately, some people I haven't seen in awhile have been telling me that I look different, but when I look in the mirror, I can't see the change. It tells me that I haven't yet let go of the person I used to be and that I better be pretty careful about how I look at things like food and exercise.
So far the exercise part is getting to be a part of the new me. I crave that hilly walk that I take if I miss a day. I like the way I feel when I am tired out after a workout with "the demon", and I hardly ever think "oh I can't do that, it's too hard" like I did when we went on our hikes that scared the bejezzus out of me.
But ice cream still looks good to me, and cake still sounds good, even though I was thinking the other day that the last several times I indulged in cake, it wasn't as good as I thought it was going to be. The texture wasn't really satisfying, and the taste just didn't live up to expectations and wasn't worth the calories. So if what I "crave" proves not to be as good as anticipated, and yet it still appeals, is it because I have not yet let go of the person I used to be, who ate sweets without thinking about whether they were as delicious as I expected them to be? That behavior belonged to the person I used to be.
Now, in truth, the book about 'letting go' is about reacting to loss and change in your life. When we lose a loved one, if we get mired down in the loss and the bad feelings, then we do not grow from the experience. In the last six years, I have lost both of my parents. I realize that I was very fortunate to have them for so many years, and we were close and I miss them, but I have come to realize that I have grown in ways that perhaps I could not have without the experience of loss. The person I used to be was a daughter, in addition to other roles. That daughter role no longer exists for me, and it's absence, although sometimes painful, has also freed me up to be something different, to take on another role.
I think that all of us at Project Transformation are perhaps shedding a role that we used to fill, and we may not find a new role so comfortable as we thought. It is important to think about how we want to embrace the new role, and how to let go of the old one so that the new clothes that we wear (figuratively) in our new role, are as comfortable as the old. Going from being the person who always worked behind the scenes to the person in the starring role of the play can be frightening, but it's the only one where you can see your name in lights.
So, the whole point of today's blog was to point out that there is a lot about us that is new and if we are not ready to let go of the person we used to be, and embrace the new, then backsliding is a distinct possibility. It happened to me before, but it is not going to happen to me again. I am ready to let go. Are you?

The gifts of friendship

Isn't it just amazing when you have a friend-- or even better-- friends, who help you to be the best 'you' that you can be? I started to write about friends who make you be the best, most authentic you, but the truth is, that no one can make you be anything but yourself. A friend who helps you along the way gives you opportunities to be the best, perhaps sets an example, offers a helping hand, or even asks for a helping hand.
I have been so blessed in my life to have friends who have done just this, and I hope that I am proving not to be a disappointment to their vision of me. Some friends are those of youth, who share your memories as you share theirs, and they are priceless, golden, above any treasure you could name. Some are recent, friends who see and listen to who you are right now, and how you have come to be that way, and with whom you explore new and perhaps different experiences and adventures than you have had before. I am lucky enough to be blessed with both and I cannot imagine how I ever got so lucky.
I look around me today at the evidence of what friendship means, and I see a book that was a gift, that has made me think, has made me reflect on what it means to be a child in a very dangerous situation, to be a man willing to extend a hand to protect a stranger even at the risk of his own life and perhaps even the lives of those he loves. I see my well used gym bag, which would not be there without having been urged to try my luck at entering a contest, the results of which have changed my life, perhaps lengthening it so that I can accomplish things that need to be done by me. I think of the new experiences, like hiking, that have become a part of my life due to the camaraderie that has developed from sharing and cheering others on, hoping for their success as much as for my own. I feel the muscles in my arms that are fatigued from the hours that I have sat here at my computer finishing and polishing stories that I had written long ago, but never did anything about before a friend and angel urged me to dig them out, to join a writer's group (I still haven't done that, but I will) to look for an agent, and to do something about them. Yesterday, all day, I even smelled friendship, from when I was embraced by a friend who inquired about my husband's health and hugged me, leaving the smell of his cologne on my cheek. All day I was reminded that I could count on him if I needed to.
So for me, what friendship means is enrichment. It means the deepening and broadening of what life is really meant to be. It is meant to be shared and embraced, to be used as a learning tool and a teaching tool, to help others to be the best that they can be, both by helping and by example. It is a gift to understand that the world is a far richer place with the love of a friend, that the scenery is more beautiful when shared with a friend, that the laughter we share with friends is delicious, better than any dessert, that the tastes and sounds and music we hear are brighter and clearer and sharper and feed our souls to the brim when shared with friends.
So here is a toast to all the friends that we have made, and all those we have yet to make. You make our lives so much richer, so much more worth living. Without you, the world would be a much duller place.

Learning to say "Yes"

Now that I have my darling Lucy well again, with a new lease on life, I have been thinking about the new lease on life that I am working on, that all of us Project Transformation winners are getting, with the help of the CHLI. There isn't really a moment in life, I guess with the exception of taking our very last breath and perhaps even then, that we can't turn over a new leaf, make a decision about a new and better way to live, improve our relationships, and in general make our own world and the worlds of those whose lives we touch, better. The last breath thing would be telling someone you have loved them, or that you are sorry. But with that as an exception, I am thinking of all that I have begun to do over the last three months that I have not done in any sustained manner before that will add health to my years.
Learning to say "yes" is one of those new things that I am learning and it has been an amazing learning experience. I am a person, like many women, especially of my generation, who was taught not to bother others with my needs, not to give anyone else any trouble about taking care of me, and to do for myself when possible. How often women feel guilty when they are sick or hurt and are always saying how sorry they are to cause any one any bother. So when asked if we need anything, we always answer politely, "Oh please don't bother, I can do it myself". Learning to say "yes" means allowing oneself to be cared for, in big and small ways, and it is a difficult skill to learn. CHLI has been very instrumental in helping me learn to say yes. It is learning to say ( and believe) that I am as important as anyone else, that I deserve to be treated as well as I treat others. Not by stepping on someone else's toes, but by just graciously accepting what is offered on my behalf. It is kind of humbling to know that when I became a feminist in the early days of the movement, learning to say NO was big--"No" to being paid less than I was worth, "No" to being taken advantage of in the workplace, but learning to say yes was never part of the equasion. Not a big resounding "yes", but a quiet, polite and grateful "yes" for a courtesy extended, for a kindness offered, for a thoughtful act performed.
I knew that it had finally sunk in when I was recently in the dentist's chair and remarked on how chilly it was in the room, and was asked if I wanted a blanket. "Yes" came the immediate answer, tripping out of my mouth without so much as a pang of guilt. I heard that answer, made without equivocation, without excuse, and knew that I had "come a long way, baby". When asked, quite often, if I want a glass of water at CHLI, the simple and immediate and guiltless answer is now "yes, thanks". I get lots of chances to practice, and I love the results.
Our new lease on life has come with saying "yes"to eating right, "yes" to learning new ways of doing things, "yes" to more exercise, "yes" to fitting ourselves onto the list of important 'things to do', and lucky us, it has come with a chance to enjoy new friendships, the luxury of beautiful surroundings, and the chance for more life in our years. So Thanks to all of our mentors, and to the Hotel for hosting us and giving us this opportunity to be better than we were when we began.
If that is not a new Lease On Life, then I don't know what is.

Great News

Good News! Today I got the preliminary biopsy report on Lucy from the vet, and it is that the tumor was not cancer. the final report will come on Monday, but for today, I am thrilled. Lucy is doing well, and looks a lot like her old self, minus any hair on her abdomen. They removed her spleen, but she is good and can live long and well without one. It always amazes me what we can live just fine without. Dogs seem to have this remarkable ability to recuperate quickly. I guess that before they were our hunting partners and became domestic creatures, an injury could mean death due to weakness, so nature in her infinite wisdom, made recuperation faster. I am keeping Lucy quiet, and have been confined mostly to the house because of that. She should be able to resume light activities by the end of next week, one week post-op. Pretty miraculous, yes?
But I have to say that looking around at the group, I see that we as human beings also have the ability to regenerate and renew at any age. The CHLI took a chance on all of us, but I am not so blind as to not notice how much of a chance they took on me. As I am the oldest of the group, they have been extra careful with my exercise program, and I have to say that they seem to be extra proud of my accomplishments. Not prouder than anyone else's accomplishments, perhaps just surprised.
This past week or two we all had our re-checks, our three-month milestones. I hope that all are satisfied, and I see why the CHLI in its wisdom, gave us 6 months to develop new habits and get into new grooves. Now at three months, I am just beginning to have the need to exercise. Up until now, I have to admit, it was a push, but now it is a need. I spent Lucy's first day at home from the hospital, laying around with her, reassuring her and just being with her. She needed me in her sight at all times. By the next morning, I just had to get out for my walk. I was achy, I was cranky without it. SoThanks to all the CHLI staff fdor your good care and for your wisdom in givng us the time to build the habits we need to go ahead.

Never give up!

I have learned a number of very valuable lessons in the last couple of months that are worth while sharing. Or shall I say I re-learned some of them. Two months ago my beloved dog Lucy was not feeling so well and seemed to have lost weight and interest in eating, so I took her to the vet. After x-rays, an ultra sound, and exam, the vet told me to take her home and keep her quiet and that she had a very limited time to live. My shock and dismay kept us home and together, but when my daughter reminded me that keeping her housebound was no way for her to live, I began to take her out to her regular haunts again, but cutting back on strenuous activity. I told some friends, wept a lot, and explained to some of our park mates. One of them knew of a dog who had had good results with a holistic treatment by a local vet, and I did some research, and called the vet. He looked at her history and told me she would be a candidate for the treatment but he would have to see her. When I took her to him last week, he said that she looked good and seemed to be a candidate for surgery to remove this tumor that was on the x-rays. With trepidation and fear, I took her in for surgery, signing papers that if this was cancer and had spread, I wanted to let her go, rather than have her suffer for the sake of having her with me a few more months. We have to take responsibility for our domestic animals in payment for the love and comfort they give us.
I am thrilled to report that Lucy came through with flying colors. She tolerated the surgery well and will be home tonight. We will await biopsy results of course, but the vet doesn't think we will find cancer.
Here are some of the valuable lessons that I had to relearn:
1. Let others help you when you need help.
2. Never give up on someone you love.
3. Don't let fear rule you.
These were lessons I learned when my children were young and the doctors I consulted didn't listen when I told them that something was wrong--making me do the research for myself. We had a good outcome then and we have a good outcome now. Had I not told my park friend about Lucy and her dire diagnosis, he would not have told me about this treatment and I would not have called this wonderful vet. Had I given up on Lucy and thought there was nothing that could be done, the tumor might have had dire consequences, even if it isn't cancer. Had I been too afraid of surgery for her, and of making the decision to let her go if I had to, then we never would have had this marvelous outcome.
Lessons in life need to help us get through all of the many things we face, not only the particulars of one situation. So here is my take on what I have learned from this experience with regard to Project Transformation.
We are getting the help we need to make significant changes in our lives, so that this "makeover" will stay with us as life long habits, and keep us in this transformational state that we are achieving. With help from the CHLI staff, I have learned some very interesting lessons about saying "yes" to something that makes me more comfortable, to saying "yes" to the offer of someone doing something for me, like getting me water, and to saying "yes" to help when I need it. I have learned that I don't always have to do my own research, and that there are people out there who know just what help I need and are willing and happy to provide it.
I am a person who never gives up, but it is a valuable lesson to be reminded. Don't be afraid to try the new treatment; parents of children with cancer or disabilities can tell you that they didn't always stop at the treatment plan that the medical establishment suggested to make their kids well. Sometimes we stepped on toes to get the next step, but we just didn't stop because someone shook their head at us, or thought we were nuts and let it show. So we have to never give up on ourselves either. When I take that extra piece of bread, my personal demon, I have to beat back the urge to say, "Oh well, I've already blown it for today, so..." I didn't exercise so much last week because of the heat, but it's not a lost cause, there is always a way. So--NO GIVING UP.
And fear, that old nemesis that peeks out to haunt us. We cannot let it take over. We have to beat it back with all we've got, because it's aim is to make us less than we are, to let us slide into mediocrity because we can't face the niggling feelings in our stomachs. Just know that sure you are going to feel fear, and you may have a darned good reason for it, but go ahead and do it anyway, because you thought about it and it is worth doing. We are in a game that is worth playing--the game of life--with goals worth playing for--good health and longevity.
So when in doubt, think of Lucy, and NEVER GIVE UP!

This morning I was browsing ahead through a book I am reading and came on this Japanese Proverb: "Vision without action is a daydream. Action without vision is a nightmare".
And because I have had a few days of struggle with eating, I had occasion to think about what it means to be "on a roll" as opposed to the struggle that one experiences when one is not on a roll and it is frightening. I have felt out of control and batted about on the breeze. Being on a roll means that it is easy, whatever the "it" is, whether it is the eating program, keeping track of food intake, exercising, or just being more aware and awake about goals, steps on the way to getting to them, and keeping one's eye on the prize. So in reality, being "on a roll" is vision with the appropriate accompanying action. Vision without action is the daydream of wishing, of hoping that our fairy godmother will come and bail us out of the mess that we have gotten ourselves into. But then I look down at my feet and see that I am, we all are, in actuality, in possession of the ruby slippers that we need to take us home, wherever that is for us. (Sorry about all the mixed metaphors, but my mind is a jumble this morning) We have to go through the trials and tribulations of "doing it" for real, to understand that we had the power to get there within us all along, and that a fall "off the roll(?)" isn't the end of the world, or life as we know it, but a break in concentration. We are in possession of the Ruby Slippers that will take us home to our goal, so today I went back to my old standby oatmeal and berries breakfast, I walked my route even thought it was beastly hot, and I didn't depend on being on a roll, where the pursuit of the dream is easy. I slogged up that last hill cursing all the way. I know that the scale will not be kind to me today when I weigh in, but I know that keeping the vision in the forefront of my mind, along with the appropriate accompanying action, will get me through to next week and a different outcome.
The nightmare of action without vision is to have lost sight of the goal or prize for the moment in the need to satisfy a craving, or to be like all the other kids and eat whatever is there without thought.
So to all my cohorts at Project Transformation, all of you who are diligently attending classes, getting to the gym often and long, and saying no to the extra helping, or the bite of "forbidden fruit", I salute you and will try harder to emulate your progress and your diligence. I will, in open admiration of your efforts, try harder to act with responsibility, to turn away from demon bread, to add hours to workouts, and to have vision accompanied by action, eyes on the prize, and taking Kaizen steps to make the dream a reality.
I hope that I will see you on Sunday so that we can celebrate, in an appropriate way, our many triumphs up until now, and all the triumphs that are still to come.

Accentuating the Positive

Again, Christy and I have Sophia to thank for a wonderful outing last night. She took us to the Pt Dume Nature preserve, and had the weather been less gray, it would have been a glorious view of the coastline from Santa Monica to Zuma beach. We could hear the sea lions barking down below, and felt the mist, not to mention bringing home half the sandy beach in our shoes. We ended the evening with a wonderful dinner at the Natural Cafe in Westlake and each time we're together we get to know each other better. It is great to see the progress that everyone is making and to appreciate ourselves when seen through another's eyes. Being out there in nature is what I did when I walked in my neighborhood, but Sophia has introduced me to a whole new part of nature. I have a greater appreciation for wearing the right shoes for the activity that I am engaging in, and for the helping hand of a friend when there is no turning back and my heart is pounding because of the height. I am amazed at the constancy of Christy's ever-ebullient mood that keeps her singing and humming and talking to anyone she comes across, and the endless source of interesting places that Sophia has in her experience that she is willing to share with us.
I was thinking as we passed the hours how lucky we have been to have made these new friendships, to be learning all of these amazing nutrition facts that Paulette has at her fingertips, and to be pushed and prodded by Laurie and Mike in the interest of our own health, to be healed by Barbara, and "mothered" by the rest of the staff into keeping appointments and remembering all the things we have to remember. Sometimes I feel as if I have to pinch myself at my great good fortune at being part of this Project Transformation, which brings me to the subject of how we view life.
There was an artic le in the paper this week about a 100 year old man who had been a Pullman porter for 38 years and how he felt about his job, his life, and the people he has encountered in his long life. I was struck by his positivity. As a Pullman porter, especially in the early days, he probably encountered a fair amount of discrimination, racism and humiliation, but he stated in the article that he was always treated with respect. Isn't that what makes life worth living? Turning away from the negative, feeling lucky, making the most of opportunity that comes your way, and seeing the positive in a situation that you could just as well focus on the negative? There is the light and the dark in all of our experiences. No job, no party for that matter, is all perfect. But it is where and what we choose to focus on that makes our expereince of it, or our memory of it, what it then becomes for us. Our attitude is the filter through which all of our life experience passes. If we shine a light on it, then we see it as light and positive. If we choose the dark side, then it has the power to make us unhappy, and that unhappiness has the power to project out onto all parts of our lives and suck up the light.
There is a room in my house where the window, large as it is, is shaded by our lovely and productive avocado tree. The shade makes the room a bit dark, so you always have to turn of the light. But...when you turn toward the window, it is like being in a tree house, although the room is right at ground level. While the fruit is growing, you can see the heavy deliciousness growing right there outside the window, and know just when it is a good time to harvest in time for guacamole. The difference between the dark and the light is just a difference in attitude. The old saying that the quality of your life is what you say it is, is the way you look at it. We are willing to turn on the light in exchange for the lovely view, the delicious fruit, and the illusion of being yourng enouugh to spend lots of time in a tree house.
So..... The day was gray for our walk, but we got in some good exercise, we deepened our friendship, there was no sunburn possible, and we openeded our eyes tro new vistas, new ways to see life and to enjoy it.
So as we traverse this time that we have left in Project Transformation, I think that nothing could be a more thoroughly positive experience. We are treated to smiles from everyone we encounter at the Hotel. The doormen (and girls) wish us a good workout on entering, and ask us how the workout went as we leave, the the staff in the gym greets us with a question about anything we might need, our trainers, teachers, consultants and everyone we are lucky enough to deal with care about our progress and give us their best. It's easy to practice positive thinking there, and just like taking the things we learn about diet and exercise out into our "normal" lives after the program is over, I hope we will take the smiles, and the positivity into our habitual thinking and believing.

Hiking or Hit?

Since Project Transformation isn't really a competition, it's hard to understand why Sophia tried to kill Christy and me off last night when she took us out into the dense fog in Malibu, to a wilderness area to "hike". So here is the question: Who is the real 'demon', or is demonhood contagious? Should we be watching for signs of demon-ness in ourselves and others? Your blog reporter [me] will keep you posted on further developments of this story.
But seriously, folks, it would have been a really nice outing if we had been able to see the vegetation in the fog. Kristin brought her sister and four little kids with us who were fascinated by all the stinkbugs with their butts in the air along the trail. The kids were darling, and Kristin even carried her little Rica a goodly distance. Thank goodness they had the foresight to bring along walking sticks, which Christy and I put to good use. Of course, we had no idea that the trail would be more than an "easy walk, mostly level" according to hitwoman Sophia.
We had a great time, and the fog and mist made it cool and probably more flying-bug free. It was a dusty and rocky path, and I am sure that the ocean would have been beautiful, had we been able to see it as promised.
Just ribbing you Sophia. It was fun, and you were a great sport to invite us along to share what you hoped would be a sparkling view of the Pacific at sunset. Your hiking expertise makes you think that these "little inclines" are mostly easy, but for me, an inexperienced hiker, it was mostly Everest. However, your trust in me that I "can do it" is very appreciated. Your faith in my willingness to try is heartening, and you are a wonderful friend. One of the great bonuses of Project Transformation is having all of the support and comraderie that has developed. So I will keep trusting you, and you will carry me along until you get tired of having to wait for me to catch up. We all "glowed" with good health at the end of the trail, and I don't know what others did, but I put my steeping tub to good use, along with a relaxation CD, then three Advil, an icebpack on the parts that hit the ground when I fell, and a sleep like three dead people. This morning I am good as new, but Christy had her training this morning. Ouch!
Getting to know more about each other is an added bonus of driving to and from the hike, and the various group meetings that we have. I am looking forward to getting together even after our Transformation experience ends.
So until the hitwoman tries to get me on the next round, I will be watching my back--not an easy exercise, but when dealing with a demon, a necessary skill.
This blog is dedicated to the patient and lovely Sophia.

Learning about myself

I haven't forgotten to write, but I have been so busy trying to digest and distill some of the things that I learned over the past weekend at a seminar that I have been stumped. The seminar was about the energy of money, but it wasn't about investments or anything, but about our relationships with money. The reason I bring it up is that it was applicable to so many things other and more than money.
I found myself thinking about my relationship with my body, and with fitness and health. That's why I mention it. We Project Transformationists are actually learning to have a better relationship with self than the one we have been having. I think that the culture,or society, or whatever you want to call it has set us up to be always disapproving, always disappointed, with what we see and how we are with our bodies. We aren't thin enough, or young enough, or pretty enough. Here I will speak for myself. I can't ever remember a time in my life that I looked in the mirror and loved what I saw. Oh I might like my hair, or the way my make-up looks that day, but never the whole package. There are so many things to pick on. I'm not the size I would like to be, or my arms are flabby, or my legs are too white. The speaker on Saturday brought up the proposition "If I were more relaxed about money [my body], what would I not be doing with it that I am currently doing, and what would I be doing with it that I am not currently doing?" Because I want to put some conscious intentionality into the space.
So substituting our health, or the way we treat our bodies for the subject of money, how are we spending it? The speaker spoke about leaking money. Leaking occurs when you are using it in a way that doesn't bring you enjoyment. She gave the example of spending $7 at Starbucks each day for a coffee and a croissant that you eat without even thinking about it, without enoyment--on the run. I got to thinking about what I do mindlessly with regard to my health--like taking an extra helping that I don't need, or making a choice that might not be in my best interest, or not taking the time to exercise, which will give me energy for further endeavors. Am I leaking my health by sitting in front of the TV mindlessly watching reruns? Am I leaking my health when we I let fear take over thinking that something is too hard for me, instead of going for it. My first hike proved to me that I can get there, even if I have to go slowly. By now, two weeks later, I am already ready to take on Charmlee park. Another really appropos quote: "A moment of discomfort is a small price to pay for enlightenment".
Maria, Saturday's speaker, reminded us that "Success is doing what you said you would do, consistently, with clarity, focus ease and grace." Our six months of building new habits is the opportunity of a lifetime, to take into the future so that we can approve of ourselves, and conquer the hero's path. Speaking for myself, I am attaining clarity, and I am certainly focused. The ease and grace are still to come, but I'm working on it. Goals should be the signposts along the path of your Life's Intention. My intention is to get slim, fit and healthy. The goals are weight loss, eating consciously, exercising regularly, remaining alert and engaged in life and enjoyment. Since Maria gave us the requirements that a goal should meet, I am passing them on to you. A goal should be 1.)specific [I want to lose 10 pounds], 2.)measureable [I have lost 10 pounds], 3.)attainable or achieveable [it's 10 not 100], 4.)relate to a life intention [to be slim fit and healthy] and 5.)time based [I want to do it in 3 weeks]. Remember that we learned that small actions taken can change your life. Don't wait for your self confidence to get better, it will get better with action. We have to remind ourselves that we are in a game worth playing for a goal worth playing for.
I am going to close with what was possibly the best thing I learned this weekend, and that is that It's not necessary to overcome fear, it is always there. It doesn't mean anything, about you, your goals, or your dreams--sometimes it's just a sign that you are doing something out of your comfort zone. Gently shift the focus of your attention from the fear to your life's intention and your goals. When you are feeling fear, that's all it is, it is simply fear. Inevitable obstacles that occur make you stronger. Mastery is about learning to master obstacles--without obstacles there is no mastery.

Back to nature

Well, today I was in my froggy element. Back to nature. While some wires were crossed, and the whole crew could not show up for the hike, Kristin and I met at the hotel parking, and then contacted Sophia who took us on a wonderful hike in Oak Park Community Park. The others were obviously experienced hikers and were kind enough to slow their pace for me, a very inexperienced hiker, but I had a wonderful time out in the air and sunshine, doing some mild climbing, some just walking and a bit of crossing water. It was a glorious day, the sun was shining and for an hour we talked, chatted, laughed, and admired each other. There is something to be said for exercise. Right now, I feel as if I have conquered another barricade.
Last night I was at the gym, having the whole thing to myself, and I was a bit leery to do one of the exercises that Mike gave me this week, not being sure that I wouldn't fall off the ball. So after I had spent an hour doing all the other stuff, and I was ready to go, I said, "Oh what the hell, how far could I fall, and Rosie would find me if I knock myself out" so I sat myself down on that ball, and walked out till just my head was on the ball, held for several seconds, and walked myself back up, remembering what Mike had said to do, drop my butt, and back up against the ball. When I was back sitting on the ball, no one could have been more surprised that I was. I did it 4 more times! So this morning, when I considered the hike and thought that it might be too much for me, I thought of last night and said again, "oh what the hell". But without the encouragement of Sophia and Kristin, I couldn't have done it. I know it wasn't much for them, but for me it was a revelation. I really could do it, although I know that they took it easy on me, I did it. Ladies, you are my heroes. Thanks so much for making this new victory possible. I am beginning to believe that all is possible--that the weight will come off, the body will be conditioned, and the mind will clear and stop thinking that I can't. Mike seemed impressed when I said in our session, "I can do that" and I could. I hope to be saying it more often. So what is absolutely necessary is a positive attitude and good friends who are willing to help. When I got home, I had to call my brother, and my daughter. I was so proud. It has been years since I hiked, but I hope it won't ber years until I do again. I can recommend the fresh air. It makes you feel new.

Thank you

I want to take this opportunity to say Thank you to the people who have expressed their support to me in so many areas of my life--all my life. I was taught by my parents to appreciate all the good things that come my way, and I hope that I have done that. They had the ability to take whatever good there was around them, and to make a party of it. I feel so fortunate to have been taught the value of life by people who enjoyed it so, and who were filled with a joie de vivre that was positively contagious. I was also fortunate enough to have had them in my life for long enough to have come through all the stages that life throws at us: the rebeliousness of adolescence, the sudden realization that they were not perfect, just people doing their best, the necessity to separate and individuate, and the coming back again, just to see them as the dear people they were, flawed but wonderful. I know people who did not have that opportunity, and they missed out on something quite miraculous. So Thanks Mom and Dad.
On the road of life, it is easy to take the people who have a starring role in your life every day for granted. So I want to say Thanks to my husband Bob who had always been supportive and a real friend.
And now, I am lucky enough to have met, to have become acquainted with, and to befriend (I hope) some very special people with whom I am traveling the same road on the way to better health, and learning to value putting time into the care of me, just as I have put time into the care of others. There is an energy that I have felt arising among us when we see each other at the gym, or at some gathering at CHLI, and it is the energy that is created when there is support. Those of us who have tried to lose weight, or get into better shape can appreciate that this time it's different. Not only do we have these terrific surroundings, the luxurious trappings of the 4 Seasons Hotel in Westlake, we have the support of the dedicated staff at CHLI, and the medical staff, but most of all we have each other and our families who are cheering us on and without whom we really couldn't do what we have to do. The families with younger children who are learning to give up "treats", or at least think of them differently, are not only helping their parent but learning valuable lessons that will help them to stay healthy and not have to "regain" health along the way. So to all of you family members, I salute you and say Thank you. You're not only helping and supporting your parent by trying new foods in new combinations, you're also helping the rest of us. I couldn't be more appreciative.
We have several months ahead of us to get into the best shape we can be, in the best shape we have been in years, so we are going to need all the help there is out there, so having all of you Project Transformationist and your families behind us will make all the difference. In advance, I want to say a great big THANKS. We're all going to make it.

Such sad news

I know that there has been silence for a few days, not because I had lost interest, but because life took over, and dealt me a very difficult blow that I have been trying to deal with. Some of you know already that my beloved dog Lucy has a deadly form of doggy cancer. She is apparently healthy and still pretty OK. But the doctor has suggested that she be kept pretty quiet, so our daily outings have changed significantly. Dealing with this news was a terrible shock and I couldn't think of losing her without weeping. However, over the course of the week, I have come to deal with with the idea of losing her, only because I have had to, and have spent a great deal of time reflecting on the eight happy years we have had together. Her doggy smiles have gladdened my heart in countless ways, her singular way of cuddling me while I was reading, of comforting me when I was sad and of bringing joy to my days is something I will keep with me forever. I refuse to lose a moment of the precious time we have left worrying about how my life will be without her. I will dwell in the happy times, and our life will be normal as long as we can.
This anticipated loss is allowing me to slow my pace, and to spend time thinking about all that is truly nurturing in the world if we allow it to be. I wonder now how many moments we let pass without appreciating them simply because we know that there will be many more of them to come. There is the little kid in the supermarket cart who catches your eye, and you have a flash of communication. There is the elderly person to whom you lend a hand on a busy day, and then don't really take a just another moment to listen to their heartfelt appreciation. It makes me think of all the times that I have not managed to put myself in the place of someone else and really understand what is making them tick. We veer away from the angry person, from the depressed person, because emotions are contagious, when an attentive ear might be just the thing they need. We fear the homeless person on the street without a thought as to what might have brought them to this situation. I don't for a moment believe that most people are not of good intentions. But we use the excuse that we are busy and hurried, when a smile or a moment might make all the difference. A couple of weeks ago I was walking along the boulevard, when walking toward me was a young man who for all I knew could have been a thug, because he sure looked dangerous. He was well built, dark, and scowling. He look at me as he walked in my direction, and as I usually do, I smiled at him. It was amazing to me to see his look of surprise, and then to see him also break into a smile, changing his whole face and demeanor. He seemed to relax and to stand up straighter. I hope that something that cost me nothing but the rearrangement of some facial muscles carried him through the day.
In my life, I have been fortunate to be very blessed with examples of love and sharing. My father was a man who was very loved and respected in business, in our religious community and by everyone he knew. Although he has been dead for many years, my brother and I remember that when we visited him at work, if we walked though the building for some reason, other shop keepers came out of their offices to greet him warmly. He had a smile and a good word for everyone and left a legacy of warmth with everyone who knew him. I wonder how many other people walk through their world with smiles that are contagious, but go unremarked or unnoticed. If my father had a motto, it would have been along the lines of "share your warmth, it doesn't cost you a thing and it might make a great difference to someone else". What a privilege to learn that from someone who lived it every day.
Knowing that I am losing Lucy, a bright spot in my existence, has made me want to look for that love and warmth in other unexpected places. I used to take Lucy to an old age home every week to visit the residents, and they loved her gentleness and sweetness. How many times did I hear them reminisce about their dog "Fluffy" or "Tippy" who brought so much love into their lives. So for the moment, I will recapture my smiles that I have always been happy to share, and I will follow in my father's footsteps of warmth and positivity. I will treasure each Lucy doggy smile and pass it on. I will cuddle her as long as I can, and let the loss teach me things, just as having her in my life has taught me things that I would never have known without her. I will treasure moments that might have been taken for granted. Lucy has been my pet, my teacher, my friend, the repository of my secrets, my mentor. I have tried to be for her the best mommy I could.
So, share your smiles, and look for places you can make a difference with them. The is Lucy's and my dad's legacy. After all, it doesn't cost you a thing.

Summer begins

Having just come home from the gym and had the opportunity to greet almost everyone in the group, it was again brought home to me how important is not only the mutual support in the group, but the opportunity to encourage and compliment each other as well. Each person's success, each person's report of progress is a little success and progress for the rest of us. So everyone, keep on doing what you're doing, and taking us all along on the ride.
It seems as if the wellness kitchen was a great success this week, and getting to know each other's families gave us an additional measure of support as well. Since we have no future wellness kitchen event on the immediate calendar, and since we all liked them so much, I have offered to have one at my house. Of course we won't have the chefs and the pre-measured ingredients, so we will have to work all of that out, but it is something I am sure we can do. Summer will give us the outdoors to spread out into, and the many kids can enjoy the pool and getting to know each other. And of course, our mentors at CHLI will be welcome (if they don't already get too much of us). So everyone, be thinking of and perfecting your family's favorite recipe to share with everyone else. Kasi is going to give me a couple of Sundays that she will be off so that we can plan a date and then it is up to everyone to gather up family members and ingredients for a dish, and come and cook or grill or assemble or whatever, and enjoy.
I hope that you all had a good Memorial Day and that you remembered the many who gave their lives so that we could enjoy this great country of ours. Yes, I know that it is not perfect, but for me, it is a damned site better than where the folks came from, and I am very grateful. I am grateful to the families who have lost loved ones in the many wars, both declared and undeclared, in which we have had a part. From them has been exacted the ultimate price, the loss of someone dear and close who can never be replaced. I continue to believe that we must support our troops with all we have, whether we support the war or not. Don't we all wake up every day, hoping to do our best? But in the case of our service personnel, doing their best could mean surrenduring their lives. So let's not forget to support the VA, and call them to account when they do not hold up our end of the bargain that our troops struck when they agreed to defend this nation, to act as agents for the peace that we all pray and hope for. The errands that they are sent to do are not of their making, but they go all the same, leaving loved ones behind, parents and children, spouses and lovers, brothers and sisters and sometimes grandparents. I pray that the day will come when not one more life has to be lost in the name of war, and when people can dwell together as brothers in peace.
Well, to change the drift of this blog, we have arrived at the official beginning of the summer season. So everyone, stock up on sun screen, and don't forget to apply it to yourself as well as the kids, Kasi. Eat your fruits and veggies, remember 7-10 servings a day--1/2 cup cooked and 1 cup raw is a serving. Get plenty of rest and shut eye--you night owls know who you are. And have a great time out there in the warm California sun.

Empty spaces and second chances

I couldn't help this morning but to think of the intersecting lines of our lives. Last night I was watching a show whose last line of dialogue was "You believe that things happen for a reason don't you?" and I couldn't help but think of that this morning. So many things happened yesterday that without the coincidence of what came before and before that, they never would have happened. And since what came out of it all was so much for the good, it just couldn't have been coincidence. That little click I heard was my little part of the Universe falling into place, and while I don't want to burden you with all the little steps that took place to make me realize this, suffice it to say that today I see the world as a different and happier and more abundant and forgiving place.
As Lucy and I took an easy walk around just the library this morning, I was thinking of empty spaces and second chances. The empty spaces of which I speak are the those left empty through loss. Loss is a condition of being human: we lose jobs and with them our sense of purpose, sometimes; we lose friends, sometimes through changes in circumstances like moving away or going to a new job or a new situation; we lose a sense of where we belong if we have to move to a new place; we lose a sense of trust and well being when we get sick and have to face fear of the future; and most important, we lose dear ones, sometimes far earlier than we can bear to lose them and the empty place that yawns inside us just cannot be filled and can grow unbearable. So what happens to that empty space? If it is something or someone that we have to mourn, and we somehow don't or can't take the time or have the wherewithal to do it, then we will have to revisit that time, and by then, the hole that the loss has created in us has grown and needs more to fill it. As we ignore or gloss over the hole, it grows until it can take over our lives. Some people fill it with work, some with food, some with drugs or wild behavior. But life is a series of second chances.
As long as we draw breath, we have available to us the opportunity to have a second chance. We have the opportunity to put the past behind us and to take a step in the direction of healing. No one will ever fill the place that my parents held in my life and I was lucky enough to have them well into my own advancing years. The hole, the empty space is there. But my brother said something to me this morning: "The past is a different country" and I realized the truth in that statement. Years ago I visited Spain and I have never felt so at home. Leaving there was like a wrenching away. But I know that for a hundred and one reasons I could not stay there. I remember it fondly, but not with longing. I rejoice in the time I spent there and what I saw and learned and felt and tasted. But it is not now, and I am on a new journey. It is a chance to see a new country, climb a new mountain, take a new journey. I will never have new parents, but I am lucky enough to have 8 new friends.
We, the lucky recipients of the gift of Project Transformation are on a new journey, having a second chance to put the past into perspective, enjoy the view from here, and know that we have new vistas to conquer, new sites to see. Getting to know each other, we are getting glimpses into what our cohorts are dealing with, what losses they have to face, and how they are embracing their second chances. Taking positive steps in the interest of your future has a ripple effect in your life and in the lives of the people who surround you and care about you. I have grown to care about my group, and I feel a caring from them as well. We are all climbing mountains, conquering demons, and slaying dragons, each a bit different from the others. The more I have learned about the struggles of others, the stronger it makes me because it puts my own struggles into perspective.
I want to share with all of you a quote I read in this morning's newspaper that was one of the intersecting lines that I spoke of earlier. I hope it will help you on your journey. It was said by the Korean climber Oh Eun-sun on her completion of conquering the 14 highest mountains in the world: "We don't beat mountains, they open up and let us in. When you reach the top, you have to give thanks to the mountain for allowing your climb". Some days I feel as if I am trying to beat my body into submission by exercise and denial, and I forget to give thanks to it for allowing the climb.
We are all given that second chance, that opportunity to reach the top, if only we will take it. So to my cohort group each of whom is fighting the good fight, making the time to change and learn and to conquer, I know that we will all be standing atop our own personal Everests, extending our hands to each other.

When one is on a trajectory, it is sometimes hard to remember what came before. The last week was a good one in many ways. My eating was quite a bit more on track, and it was good to be weighed and see that I had lost three pounds. My exercising is getting more of a habit, although my early morning walk has changed due to my darling Lucy (my dog) not feeling so well. It is shorter and easier so that she can handle it. She has always been such a strong companion to me and so able, and now she is not herself. It is hard for me to see her not well, but we will get some more information on Thursday. I have not taken out my emotions in eating.
Today I saw Barbara for a session of hypnotherapy. When she asked me about the things we had spoken of at the last healing session, it seemed as if those things were so far away. She made suggestions during the session, and I am hoping that they will help the whole process.
The great excitement has been that there was a spread in the Ventura County Star about our program and pictures of all of us. I had a call this morning from a total stranger about the program. It is interesting to read about each of us and to relate the information to the people we are coming to know. Going through six months of a program together, we are bound to have all sorts of milestones and occurrances. We got the good news that Kasi recently got engaged. I hope that all of our news will be equally happy and life affirming. Congratulations to Kasi and her fiance and their families.
One of the things that came up over the weekend is that we have this group that supports each other. It's not that we meet weekly like weight watchers, or OA, or other groups to weigh in, but that we see ourselves as a group, and I think, rejoice in the good that is happening to each other. We run into each other at times at the hotel, and we see changes, or talk about what we are doing, and are genuinely happy for the successes and advancements of the others. One of the group told me she has lost 18 pounds already. Wow! She looks great and I was so happy for her. I only wish I could be doing as well, but we are all different and what is good for one is not necessarily the same for others.
This week we will be treated to another wellness kitchen event and we get to bring guests along in the form of family or other supporters. It is fun and so imformative and delicious. And it will be nice to bring our families into the equasion as well. When they are going through the program with their own Project Transformation participant, now our "group" will expand to include each other's families, and that much more support. What could be nicer? I hope that we will find the time and the energy to stay in each other's lives.

Making it Happen..No waiting

So today is the first day of MAKING IT HAPPEN. I made myself a small poster for my frig that says "NOW is the time to MAKE IT HAPPEN." I would be happy to share if you want. My great weakness, bread, has proved to me that after several weeks without it, I still can't handle having really good bread in the house without going crazy. That delicious rye bread from the bakery has called to me all week, and I added slices for no reason at all except that they are delicious. When I awoke today, Sophia's admonition rang in my ear "if we don't do it now with all the support we have, when will we do it?" So today is the day. Last night I ate out, but ordered the 3oz sirloin, grilled. It was fine and enough food. I could have ordered two sides of broccali instead of broccali and a baked potato, but it was OK nevertheless, and I only thought of that this morning. That is an example of coming up with the solution after the fact, but there it will be the next time I find myself in a restaurant.
I feel myself getting stronger when I make a good decision, I just don't know why it takes so long. I know that last week was not a good week, I felt weak and needy, and the saying "no " was just not in the vocabulary. So there was the birthday cake at the 95th birthday party, a small slice but unnecessary, the tasting of the special cheese cake at the dinner I attended on Tuesday night, OK, I did manage to take the smallest piece on the plate, but I really didn't need it at all. Today I feel the strength in my bones, and if I can just manage to remember to drink plenty of water, to wash out the toxins, then the fabulous massage I had on Tuesday will really mean something. I am taking the time to re-read some of the materials that I have in my folder from CHLI. I looked at them before, but now in the midst of change, it is important to put them at the forefront. Everyone has been patient with me, except me, and now I am ready to redouble my efforts to make it happen. Magic is not something you can depend on in everyday life. So I am committing to you, kind readers, that I am making it happen and I will report to you how it is going. Each meal will be a small step on the road, using the Kaizen way. I won't worry about the last meal, or the one coming up, just the one in front of me. I have begun the journey again with renewed vigor. I will not use food for anything but nourishment, not for comfort, not instead of feelings, not for celebration. Paulette mentioned to me that if I am not hungry for the next meal on the agenda, it is probably because I ate too much at the last one. In thinking about it, I have not felt hunger all week. A sure sign that I have to make the effort to weigh and measure, to eat more mindfully, and to dring water.
Looking forward to a good workout today. At least the exercise is going well.

Waiting for......magic?

This morning as I was making the bed, a phrase flashed through my mind: " Waiting for something to happen is not the same as making it happen". I know that what seems profound to one person is pretty ho-hum to another, and my mother would have looked at me with a smirk and claimed 'Columbus!' indicating that I had said something pretty obvious, but perhaps if I explain...
Since I have been fighting the weight issue for a long time now, and at times have been pretty successful, only to fall off the wagon and have to start over again, I have tried for years to understand what happens to me when eating right, or in this case, sanely, is easy. Saying no to what is not good for me is not a struggle, not a wrenching, and certainly not a deprivation. It is just saying no, not now, not this time, I don't really care for any right now, perhaps another time. Those times seemed to descend on me by magic. And sometimes they lasted for really extended periods of time--a year, sometimes two. So as if by magic, the weight fell off and I was happy and people were complimentary and approving, and I thought it would be forever, because it was so easy.... and then the day came when the magic fell away, the old curse seemed to descend once more. The eat anything-eat seconds-eat what- makes-you-feel-not-so-good-but-tastes-wonderful-going-down curse. The eat-without- thinking, let alone thinking- about- consequences curse.
The problem was that there was no rhyme or reason that I could see for the magic shield to have come to protect me, and again no reason for it to have departed. Perhaps if I spent years on the psychiatrist's couch, I might be able to fathom the reason, and then again, perhaps not. But in the meantime the pounds pack on and the health gains disappear as if by magic as well.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I realized today that waiting for magic to happen is a fool's game and that the real magic is making a decision to do something and stick with it. It's not necessarily going to be easy. And maybe saying no to the cake or the cookie or the ice cream is going to wrench the hell out of you, but the magic is that when you do it you get to give yourself a pat on the back, an internal message of "good girl", a pep talk that healthier is better, a walking taller, a hope that those old "skinny jeans" that you may have hidden from yourself in the back of the closet will someday fit again, even if they are out of style, or no longer appropriate to your age or station in life.
So, making a decision will be the magic that we learn to make. The smooth card trick is making it seem easy when it's not, the rabbit that we pull out of the hat is the good health that makes itself known in the new lab results we get, or the new numbers on the scale, or the fact that the hill that is at the end of our walk now goes unnoticed rather than a huffing and puffing exercise. So to my wonderful cohorts at Project Transformation, our Magic Castle is not on a hill in Hollywood, but rather right off the freeway at Lindero Canyon in Westlake Village. And it is populated by master magicians of all disciplines, card tricksters at nutrition, rabbit producers in the gym, and teachers of strategic thinking in all the other departments. Making it happen is better than waiting for it to happen. Waiting may be easier, but making it is so creative, so proactive, that it has the power to make magicians of us as well.

How do you see yourself?

It was a lovely and rewarding weekend that began on Saturday with our group (minus one) meeting to discuss group health strategies. I have found it to be energizing to meet with the group and to get to know each other a bit at a time. Where we were all pretty guarded at first about our more personally held worries, now we are feeling a bit safer I would say. Some of us have sleep issues, some weight issues, and some other health issues. I always spend some of the time coming and going from the Hotel thinking about the program, where it is going and why I am there and how I am best going to take advantage of all there is to learn, to partake of, and to do. So on Saturday we talked about goals and measurements of success. Hearing everyone's ideas is such a help, and everyone is so generous with encouragement and good feeling. I think that we are becoming an actual group rather than just a gathering of people. I feel so good when I am at the gym and run into someone. Every now and then I see Kristy working hard, and Dave and I were the sole users of the gym on a recent Saturday nite. I've learned that Sophia finds the treadmill boring so she walks outside, and an injured foot caused Bill some slowdown. I saw Kristin after a workout and found out her hair is really wavy, and Percy had a wonderful trip and is starting later, but with equal enthusiasm. Casi's hours make it unlikely I will run into her except when we have group meetings, but all the same it's like learning about the people who live on the same floor in a dorm, or getting together with a new book club or something. We are learning about each other and finding differences and similarities that make us real to each other.
I thought that I was the only one for whom the first blush of excitement has worn off and who now has to buckle down and make it work. But I found out on Saturday that I'm not. At first it was the excitement and disbelief about our great good luck at being winners that made us sail along in the deep waters of new experiences, new ways of doing things and looking ar our time and our exercise and our food commitments. Now, I think that we are all aware that the hard work sets in. It is the scheduling, the fitting in of blocks of time to do what needs to be done, the changes in lifestyle and eating styles on a more or less permnent basis that makes it a challenge. After all, we have been doing what we did to get the way we are for a lot of years. Now is the time for change and so now we face challenges, and I am sure that each of us faces different ones.
Meditations on body image, diets, all kinds of programs that are geared to weight loss or change ask the practitioner to visualize him/herself the way they hope to be. If it is thin, to hold that image of themselves in the mind''s eye. I use "thin" and "weight loss" here as examples because that is my issue. If it is fitness for others, they have other images to hold. This morning I realized that when those meditations asked for a "picture", I have just kind of been glossing over that. I realized that I don't have or haven't been able to conjure that picture. I know that I want to be wearing slim fitting jeans with a tucked in blouse and a belt, but my own head, my own face is never in that picture. So when I say "what's wrong with this picture?" the answer is that I don't recognize it as me. That's a real challenge. The ability to see myself as I want to be. I wonder if any of the others have that problem, the ability to visualize themselves as they want to be.
So does it, do you think, as my cousin suggests, have something to do with feeling deserving? It's an important question for me and one I really have to ponder. I have always been the kind of person who felt that I could have what I wanted if I just worked harder at it. Not always the case as we know. You can't make someone love you by working harder. You can't keep someone alive by working harder at it. But I guess those two examples can be refuted. We can keep ourselves healthier and presumably alive longer by getting healthier with this program as the CHLI teaches us. And I guess we can learn to love ourselves by giving this golden opportunity everything we've got.
I'm learing that there are personal weak spots that I have to plan for in order to overcome them. I am getting better at it, but it needs work. Isn't it nice that there are things to do and learn and improve no matter how old you are? And isn't it delightful when you find a group of people that happened to come together through no fault or effort of their own and yet find a way to be friendly, encourage each other, learn from each other, laugh together, and work toward personal goals in concert with each other. In concert, I like that. By the time we finish this program, we could be a symphony. Wouldn't that be terrific?