I know that there has been silence for a few days, not because I had lost interest, but because life took over, and dealt me a very difficult blow that I have been trying to deal with. Some of you know already that my beloved dog Lucy has a deadly form of doggy cancer. She is apparently healthy and still pretty OK. But the doctor has suggested that she be kept pretty quiet, so our daily outings have changed significantly. Dealing with this news was a terrible shock and I couldn't think of losing her without weeping. However, over the course of the week, I have come to deal with with the idea of losing her, only because I have had to, and have spent a great deal of time reflecting on the eight happy years we have had together. Her doggy smiles have gladdened my heart in countless ways, her singular way of cuddling me while I was reading, of comforting me when I was sad and of bringing joy to my days is something I will keep with me forever. I refuse to lose a moment of the precious time we have left worrying about how my life will be without her. I will dwell in the happy times, and our life will be normal as long as we can.
This anticipated loss is allowing me to slow my pace, and to spend time thinking about all that is truly nurturing in the world if we allow it to be. I wonder now how many moments we let pass without appreciating them simply because we know that there will be many more of them to come. There is the little kid in the supermarket cart who catches your eye, and you have a flash of communication. There is the elderly person to whom you lend a hand on a busy day, and then don't really take a just another moment to listen to their heartfelt appreciation. It makes me think of all the times that I have not managed to put myself in the place of someone else and really understand what is making them tick. We veer away from the angry person, from the depressed person, because emotions are contagious, when an attentive ear might be just the thing they need. We fear the homeless person on the street without a thought as to what might have brought them to this situation. I don't for a moment believe that most people are not of good intentions. But we use the excuse that we are busy and hurried, when a smile or a moment might make all the difference. A couple of weeks ago I was walking along the boulevard, when walking toward me was a young man who for all I knew could have been a thug, because he sure looked dangerous. He was well built, dark, and scowling. He look at me as he walked in my direction, and as I usually do, I smiled at him. It was amazing to me to see his look of surprise, and then to see him also break into a smile, changing his whole face and demeanor. He seemed to relax and to stand up straighter. I hope that something that cost me nothing but the rearrangement of some facial muscles carried him through the day.
In my life, I have been fortunate to be very blessed with examples of love and sharing. My father was a man who was very loved and respected in business, in our religious community and by everyone he knew. Although he has been dead for many years, my brother and I remember that when we visited him at work, if we walked though the building for some reason, other shop keepers came out of their offices to greet him warmly. He had a smile and a good word for everyone and left a legacy of warmth with everyone who knew him. I wonder how many other people walk through their world with smiles that are contagious, but go unremarked or unnoticed. If my father had a motto, it would have been along the lines of "share your warmth, it doesn't cost you a thing and it might make a great difference to someone else". What a privilege to learn that from someone who lived it every day.
Knowing that I am losing Lucy, a bright spot in my existence, has made me want to look for that love and warmth in other unexpected places. I used to take Lucy to an old age home every week to visit the residents, and they loved her gentleness and sweetness. How many times did I hear them reminisce about their dog "Fluffy" or "Tippy" who brought so much love into their lives. So for the moment, I will recapture my smiles that I have always been happy to share, and I will follow in my father's footsteps of warmth and positivity. I will treasure each Lucy doggy smile and pass it on. I will cuddle her as long as I can, and let the loss teach me things, just as having her in my life has taught me things that I would never have known without her. I will treasure moments that might have been taken for granted. Lucy has been my pet, my teacher, my friend, the repository of my secrets, my mentor. I have tried to be for her the best mommy I could.
So, share your smiles, and look for places you can make a difference with them. The is Lucy's and my dad's legacy. After all, it doesn't cost you a thing.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Summer begins
Having just come home from the gym and had the opportunity to greet almost everyone in the group, it was again brought home to me how important is not only the mutual support in the group, but the opportunity to encourage and compliment each other as well. Each person's success, each person's report of progress is a little success and progress for the rest of us. So everyone, keep on doing what you're doing, and taking us all along on the ride.
It seems as if the wellness kitchen was a great success this week, and getting to know each other's families gave us an additional measure of support as well. Since we have no future wellness kitchen event on the immediate calendar, and since we all liked them so much, I have offered to have one at my house. Of course we won't have the chefs and the pre-measured ingredients, so we will have to work all of that out, but it is something I am sure we can do. Summer will give us the outdoors to spread out into, and the many kids can enjoy the pool and getting to know each other. And of course, our mentors at CHLI will be welcome (if they don't already get too much of us). So everyone, be thinking of and perfecting your family's favorite recipe to share with everyone else. Kasi is going to give me a couple of Sundays that she will be off so that we can plan a date and then it is up to everyone to gather up family members and ingredients for a dish, and come and cook or grill or assemble or whatever, and enjoy.
I hope that you all had a good Memorial Day and that you remembered the many who gave their lives so that we could enjoy this great country of ours. Yes, I know that it is not perfect, but for me, it is a damned site better than where the folks came from, and I am very grateful. I am grateful to the families who have lost loved ones in the many wars, both declared and undeclared, in which we have had a part. From them has been exacted the ultimate price, the loss of someone dear and close who can never be replaced. I continue to believe that we must support our troops with all we have, whether we support the war or not. Don't we all wake up every day, hoping to do our best? But in the case of our service personnel, doing their best could mean surrenduring their lives. So let's not forget to support the VA, and call them to account when they do not hold up our end of the bargain that our troops struck when they agreed to defend this nation, to act as agents for the peace that we all pray and hope for. The errands that they are sent to do are not of their making, but they go all the same, leaving loved ones behind, parents and children, spouses and lovers, brothers and sisters and sometimes grandparents. I pray that the day will come when not one more life has to be lost in the name of war, and when people can dwell together as brothers in peace.
Well, to change the drift of this blog, we have arrived at the official beginning of the summer season. So everyone, stock up on sun screen, and don't forget to apply it to yourself as well as the kids, Kasi. Eat your fruits and veggies, remember 7-10 servings a day--1/2 cup cooked and 1 cup raw is a serving. Get plenty of rest and shut eye--you night owls know who you are. And have a great time out there in the warm California sun.
It seems as if the wellness kitchen was a great success this week, and getting to know each other's families gave us an additional measure of support as well. Since we have no future wellness kitchen event on the immediate calendar, and since we all liked them so much, I have offered to have one at my house. Of course we won't have the chefs and the pre-measured ingredients, so we will have to work all of that out, but it is something I am sure we can do. Summer will give us the outdoors to spread out into, and the many kids can enjoy the pool and getting to know each other. And of course, our mentors at CHLI will be welcome (if they don't already get too much of us). So everyone, be thinking of and perfecting your family's favorite recipe to share with everyone else. Kasi is going to give me a couple of Sundays that she will be off so that we can plan a date and then it is up to everyone to gather up family members and ingredients for a dish, and come and cook or grill or assemble or whatever, and enjoy.
I hope that you all had a good Memorial Day and that you remembered the many who gave their lives so that we could enjoy this great country of ours. Yes, I know that it is not perfect, but for me, it is a damned site better than where the folks came from, and I am very grateful. I am grateful to the families who have lost loved ones in the many wars, both declared and undeclared, in which we have had a part. From them has been exacted the ultimate price, the loss of someone dear and close who can never be replaced. I continue to believe that we must support our troops with all we have, whether we support the war or not. Don't we all wake up every day, hoping to do our best? But in the case of our service personnel, doing their best could mean surrenduring their lives. So let's not forget to support the VA, and call them to account when they do not hold up our end of the bargain that our troops struck when they agreed to defend this nation, to act as agents for the peace that we all pray and hope for. The errands that they are sent to do are not of their making, but they go all the same, leaving loved ones behind, parents and children, spouses and lovers, brothers and sisters and sometimes grandparents. I pray that the day will come when not one more life has to be lost in the name of war, and when people can dwell together as brothers in peace.
Well, to change the drift of this blog, we have arrived at the official beginning of the summer season. So everyone, stock up on sun screen, and don't forget to apply it to yourself as well as the kids, Kasi. Eat your fruits and veggies, remember 7-10 servings a day--1/2 cup cooked and 1 cup raw is a serving. Get plenty of rest and shut eye--you night owls know who you are. And have a great time out there in the warm California sun.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Empty spaces and second chances
I couldn't help this morning but to think of the intersecting lines of our lives. Last night I was watching a show whose last line of dialogue was "You believe that things happen for a reason don't you?" and I couldn't help but think of that this morning. So many things happened yesterday that without the coincidence of what came before and before that, they never would have happened. And since what came out of it all was so much for the good, it just couldn't have been coincidence. That little click I heard was my little part of the Universe falling into place, and while I don't want to burden you with all the little steps that took place to make me realize this, suffice it to say that today I see the world as a different and happier and more abundant and forgiving place.
As Lucy and I took an easy walk around just the library this morning, I was thinking of empty spaces and second chances. The empty spaces of which I speak are the those left empty through loss. Loss is a condition of being human: we lose jobs and with them our sense of purpose, sometimes; we lose friends, sometimes through changes in circumstances like moving away or going to a new job or a new situation; we lose a sense of where we belong if we have to move to a new place; we lose a sense of trust and well being when we get sick and have to face fear of the future; and most important, we lose dear ones, sometimes far earlier than we can bear to lose them and the empty place that yawns inside us just cannot be filled and can grow unbearable. So what happens to that empty space? If it is something or someone that we have to mourn, and we somehow don't or can't take the time or have the wherewithal to do it, then we will have to revisit that time, and by then, the hole that the loss has created in us has grown and needs more to fill it. As we ignore or gloss over the hole, it grows until it can take over our lives. Some people fill it with work, some with food, some with drugs or wild behavior. But life is a series of second chances.
As long as we draw breath, we have available to us the opportunity to have a second chance. We have the opportunity to put the past behind us and to take a step in the direction of healing. No one will ever fill the place that my parents held in my life and I was lucky enough to have them well into my own advancing years. The hole, the empty space is there. But my brother said something to me this morning: "The past is a different country" and I realized the truth in that statement. Years ago I visited Spain and I have never felt so at home. Leaving there was like a wrenching away. But I know that for a hundred and one reasons I could not stay there. I remember it fondly, but not with longing. I rejoice in the time I spent there and what I saw and learned and felt and tasted. But it is not now, and I am on a new journey. It is a chance to see a new country, climb a new mountain, take a new journey. I will never have new parents, but I am lucky enough to have 8 new friends.
We, the lucky recipients of the gift of Project Transformation are on a new journey, having a second chance to put the past into perspective, enjoy the view from here, and know that we have new vistas to conquer, new sites to see. Getting to know each other, we are getting glimpses into what our cohorts are dealing with, what losses they have to face, and how they are embracing their second chances. Taking positive steps in the interest of your future has a ripple effect in your life and in the lives of the people who surround you and care about you. I have grown to care about my group, and I feel a caring from them as well. We are all climbing mountains, conquering demons, and slaying dragons, each a bit different from the others. The more I have learned about the struggles of others, the stronger it makes me because it puts my own struggles into perspective.
I want to share with all of you a quote I read in this morning's newspaper that was one of the intersecting lines that I spoke of earlier. I hope it will help you on your journey. It was said by the Korean climber Oh Eun-sun on her completion of conquering the 14 highest mountains in the world: "We don't beat mountains, they open up and let us in. When you reach the top, you have to give thanks to the mountain for allowing your climb". Some days I feel as if I am trying to beat my body into submission by exercise and denial, and I forget to give thanks to it for allowing the climb.
We are all given that second chance, that opportunity to reach the top, if only we will take it. So to my cohort group each of whom is fighting the good fight, making the time to change and learn and to conquer, I know that we will all be standing atop our own personal Everests, extending our hands to each other.
As Lucy and I took an easy walk around just the library this morning, I was thinking of empty spaces and second chances. The empty spaces of which I speak are the those left empty through loss. Loss is a condition of being human: we lose jobs and with them our sense of purpose, sometimes; we lose friends, sometimes through changes in circumstances like moving away or going to a new job or a new situation; we lose a sense of where we belong if we have to move to a new place; we lose a sense of trust and well being when we get sick and have to face fear of the future; and most important, we lose dear ones, sometimes far earlier than we can bear to lose them and the empty place that yawns inside us just cannot be filled and can grow unbearable. So what happens to that empty space? If it is something or someone that we have to mourn, and we somehow don't or can't take the time or have the wherewithal to do it, then we will have to revisit that time, and by then, the hole that the loss has created in us has grown and needs more to fill it. As we ignore or gloss over the hole, it grows until it can take over our lives. Some people fill it with work, some with food, some with drugs or wild behavior. But life is a series of second chances.
As long as we draw breath, we have available to us the opportunity to have a second chance. We have the opportunity to put the past behind us and to take a step in the direction of healing. No one will ever fill the place that my parents held in my life and I was lucky enough to have them well into my own advancing years. The hole, the empty space is there. But my brother said something to me this morning: "The past is a different country" and I realized the truth in that statement. Years ago I visited Spain and I have never felt so at home. Leaving there was like a wrenching away. But I know that for a hundred and one reasons I could not stay there. I remember it fondly, but not with longing. I rejoice in the time I spent there and what I saw and learned and felt and tasted. But it is not now, and I am on a new journey. It is a chance to see a new country, climb a new mountain, take a new journey. I will never have new parents, but I am lucky enough to have 8 new friends.
We, the lucky recipients of the gift of Project Transformation are on a new journey, having a second chance to put the past into perspective, enjoy the view from here, and know that we have new vistas to conquer, new sites to see. Getting to know each other, we are getting glimpses into what our cohorts are dealing with, what losses they have to face, and how they are embracing their second chances. Taking positive steps in the interest of your future has a ripple effect in your life and in the lives of the people who surround you and care about you. I have grown to care about my group, and I feel a caring from them as well. We are all climbing mountains, conquering demons, and slaying dragons, each a bit different from the others. The more I have learned about the struggles of others, the stronger it makes me because it puts my own struggles into perspective.
I want to share with all of you a quote I read in this morning's newspaper that was one of the intersecting lines that I spoke of earlier. I hope it will help you on your journey. It was said by the Korean climber Oh Eun-sun on her completion of conquering the 14 highest mountains in the world: "We don't beat mountains, they open up and let us in. When you reach the top, you have to give thanks to the mountain for allowing your climb". Some days I feel as if I am trying to beat my body into submission by exercise and denial, and I forget to give thanks to it for allowing the climb.
We are all given that second chance, that opportunity to reach the top, if only we will take it. So to my cohort group each of whom is fighting the good fight, making the time to change and learn and to conquer, I know that we will all be standing atop our own personal Everests, extending our hands to each other.
Monday, May 24, 2010
When one is on a trajectory, it is sometimes hard to remember what came before. The last week was a good one in many ways. My eating was quite a bit more on track, and it was good to be weighed and see that I had lost three pounds. My exercising is getting more of a habit, although my early morning walk has changed due to my darling Lucy (my dog) not feeling so well. It is shorter and easier so that she can handle it. She has always been such a strong companion to me and so able, and now she is not herself. It is hard for me to see her not well, but we will get some more information on Thursday. I have not taken out my emotions in eating.
Today I saw Barbara for a session of hypnotherapy. When she asked me about the things we had spoken of at the last healing session, it seemed as if those things were so far away. She made suggestions during the session, and I am hoping that they will help the whole process.
The great excitement has been that there was a spread in the Ventura County Star about our program and pictures of all of us. I had a call this morning from a total stranger about the program. It is interesting to read about each of us and to relate the information to the people we are coming to know. Going through six months of a program together, we are bound to have all sorts of milestones and occurrances. We got the good news that Kasi recently got engaged. I hope that all of our news will be equally happy and life affirming. Congratulations to Kasi and her fiance and their families.
One of the things that came up over the weekend is that we have this group that supports each other. It's not that we meet weekly like weight watchers, or OA, or other groups to weigh in, but that we see ourselves as a group, and I think, rejoice in the good that is happening to each other. We run into each other at times at the hotel, and we see changes, or talk about what we are doing, and are genuinely happy for the successes and advancements of the others. One of the group told me she has lost 18 pounds already. Wow! She looks great and I was so happy for her. I only wish I could be doing as well, but we are all different and what is good for one is not necessarily the same for others.
This week we will be treated to another wellness kitchen event and we get to bring guests along in the form of family or other supporters. It is fun and so imformative and delicious. And it will be nice to bring our families into the equasion as well. When they are going through the program with their own Project Transformation participant, now our "group" will expand to include each other's families, and that much more support. What could be nicer? I hope that we will find the time and the energy to stay in each other's lives.
Today I saw Barbara for a session of hypnotherapy. When she asked me about the things we had spoken of at the last healing session, it seemed as if those things were so far away. She made suggestions during the session, and I am hoping that they will help the whole process.
The great excitement has been that there was a spread in the Ventura County Star about our program and pictures of all of us. I had a call this morning from a total stranger about the program. It is interesting to read about each of us and to relate the information to the people we are coming to know. Going through six months of a program together, we are bound to have all sorts of milestones and occurrances. We got the good news that Kasi recently got engaged. I hope that all of our news will be equally happy and life affirming. Congratulations to Kasi and her fiance and their families.
One of the things that came up over the weekend is that we have this group that supports each other. It's not that we meet weekly like weight watchers, or OA, or other groups to weigh in, but that we see ourselves as a group, and I think, rejoice in the good that is happening to each other. We run into each other at times at the hotel, and we see changes, or talk about what we are doing, and are genuinely happy for the successes and advancements of the others. One of the group told me she has lost 18 pounds already. Wow! She looks great and I was so happy for her. I only wish I could be doing as well, but we are all different and what is good for one is not necessarily the same for others.
This week we will be treated to another wellness kitchen event and we get to bring guests along in the form of family or other supporters. It is fun and so imformative and delicious. And it will be nice to bring our families into the equasion as well. When they are going through the program with their own Project Transformation participant, now our "group" will expand to include each other's families, and that much more support. What could be nicer? I hope that we will find the time and the energy to stay in each other's lives.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Making it Happen..No waiting
So today is the first day of MAKING IT HAPPEN. I made myself a small poster for my frig that says "NOW is the time to MAKE IT HAPPEN." I would be happy to share if you want. My great weakness, bread, has proved to me that after several weeks without it, I still can't handle having really good bread in the house without going crazy. That delicious rye bread from the bakery has called to me all week, and I added slices for no reason at all except that they are delicious. When I awoke today, Sophia's admonition rang in my ear "if we don't do it now with all the support we have, when will we do it?" So today is the day. Last night I ate out, but ordered the 3oz sirloin, grilled. It was fine and enough food. I could have ordered two sides of broccali instead of broccali and a baked potato, but it was OK nevertheless, and I only thought of that this morning. That is an example of coming up with the solution after the fact, but there it will be the next time I find myself in a restaurant.
I feel myself getting stronger when I make a good decision, I just don't know why it takes so long. I know that last week was not a good week, I felt weak and needy, and the saying "no " was just not in the vocabulary. So there was the birthday cake at the 95th birthday party, a small slice but unnecessary, the tasting of the special cheese cake at the dinner I attended on Tuesday night, OK, I did manage to take the smallest piece on the plate, but I really didn't need it at all. Today I feel the strength in my bones, and if I can just manage to remember to drink plenty of water, to wash out the toxins, then the fabulous massage I had on Tuesday will really mean something. I am taking the time to re-read some of the materials that I have in my folder from CHLI. I looked at them before, but now in the midst of change, it is important to put them at the forefront. Everyone has been patient with me, except me, and now I am ready to redouble my efforts to make it happen. Magic is not something you can depend on in everyday life. So I am committing to you, kind readers, that I am making it happen and I will report to you how it is going. Each meal will be a small step on the road, using the Kaizen way. I won't worry about the last meal, or the one coming up, just the one in front of me. I have begun the journey again with renewed vigor. I will not use food for anything but nourishment, not for comfort, not instead of feelings, not for celebration. Paulette mentioned to me that if I am not hungry for the next meal on the agenda, it is probably because I ate too much at the last one. In thinking about it, I have not felt hunger all week. A sure sign that I have to make the effort to weigh and measure, to eat more mindfully, and to dring water.
Looking forward to a good workout today. At least the exercise is going well.
I feel myself getting stronger when I make a good decision, I just don't know why it takes so long. I know that last week was not a good week, I felt weak and needy, and the saying "no " was just not in the vocabulary. So there was the birthday cake at the 95th birthday party, a small slice but unnecessary, the tasting of the special cheese cake at the dinner I attended on Tuesday night, OK, I did manage to take the smallest piece on the plate, but I really didn't need it at all. Today I feel the strength in my bones, and if I can just manage to remember to drink plenty of water, to wash out the toxins, then the fabulous massage I had on Tuesday will really mean something. I am taking the time to re-read some of the materials that I have in my folder from CHLI. I looked at them before, but now in the midst of change, it is important to put them at the forefront. Everyone has been patient with me, except me, and now I am ready to redouble my efforts to make it happen. Magic is not something you can depend on in everyday life. So I am committing to you, kind readers, that I am making it happen and I will report to you how it is going. Each meal will be a small step on the road, using the Kaizen way. I won't worry about the last meal, or the one coming up, just the one in front of me. I have begun the journey again with renewed vigor. I will not use food for anything but nourishment, not for comfort, not instead of feelings, not for celebration. Paulette mentioned to me that if I am not hungry for the next meal on the agenda, it is probably because I ate too much at the last one. In thinking about it, I have not felt hunger all week. A sure sign that I have to make the effort to weigh and measure, to eat more mindfully, and to dring water.
Looking forward to a good workout today. At least the exercise is going well.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Waiting for......magic?
This morning as I was making the bed, a phrase flashed through my mind: " Waiting for something to happen is not the same as making it happen". I know that what seems profound to one person is pretty ho-hum to another, and my mother would have looked at me with a smirk and claimed 'Columbus!' indicating that I had said something pretty obvious, but perhaps if I explain...
Since I have been fighting the weight issue for a long time now, and at times have been pretty successful, only to fall off the wagon and have to start over again, I have tried for years to understand what happens to me when eating right, or in this case, sanely, is easy. Saying no to what is not good for me is not a struggle, not a wrenching, and certainly not a deprivation. It is just saying no, not now, not this time, I don't really care for any right now, perhaps another time. Those times seemed to descend on me by magic. And sometimes they lasted for really extended periods of time--a year, sometimes two. So as if by magic, the weight fell off and I was happy and people were complimentary and approving, and I thought it would be forever, because it was so easy.... and then the day came when the magic fell away, the old curse seemed to descend once more. The eat anything-eat seconds-eat what- makes-you-feel-not-so-good-but-tastes-wonderful-going-down curse. The eat-without- thinking, let alone thinking- about- consequences curse.
The problem was that there was no rhyme or reason that I could see for the magic shield to have come to protect me, and again no reason for it to have departed. Perhaps if I spent years on the psychiatrist's couch, I might be able to fathom the reason, and then again, perhaps not. But in the meantime the pounds pack on and the health gains disappear as if by magic as well.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I realized today that waiting for magic to happen is a fool's game and that the real magic is making a decision to do something and stick with it. It's not necessarily going to be easy. And maybe saying no to the cake or the cookie or the ice cream is going to wrench the hell out of you, but the magic is that when you do it you get to give yourself a pat on the back, an internal message of "good girl", a pep talk that healthier is better, a walking taller, a hope that those old "skinny jeans" that you may have hidden from yourself in the back of the closet will someday fit again, even if they are out of style, or no longer appropriate to your age or station in life.
So, making a decision will be the magic that we learn to make. The smooth card trick is making it seem easy when it's not, the rabbit that we pull out of the hat is the good health that makes itself known in the new lab results we get, or the new numbers on the scale, or the fact that the hill that is at the end of our walk now goes unnoticed rather than a huffing and puffing exercise. So to my wonderful cohorts at Project Transformation, our Magic Castle is not on a hill in Hollywood, but rather right off the freeway at Lindero Canyon in Westlake Village. And it is populated by master magicians of all disciplines, card tricksters at nutrition, rabbit producers in the gym, and teachers of strategic thinking in all the other departments. Making it happen is better than waiting for it to happen. Waiting may be easier, but making it is so creative, so proactive, that it has the power to make magicians of us as well.
Since I have been fighting the weight issue for a long time now, and at times have been pretty successful, only to fall off the wagon and have to start over again, I have tried for years to understand what happens to me when eating right, or in this case, sanely, is easy. Saying no to what is not good for me is not a struggle, not a wrenching, and certainly not a deprivation. It is just saying no, not now, not this time, I don't really care for any right now, perhaps another time. Those times seemed to descend on me by magic. And sometimes they lasted for really extended periods of time--a year, sometimes two. So as if by magic, the weight fell off and I was happy and people were complimentary and approving, and I thought it would be forever, because it was so easy.... and then the day came when the magic fell away, the old curse seemed to descend once more. The eat anything-eat seconds-eat what- makes-you-feel-not-so-good-but-tastes-wonderful-going-down curse. The eat-without- thinking, let alone thinking- about- consequences curse.
The problem was that there was no rhyme or reason that I could see for the magic shield to have come to protect me, and again no reason for it to have departed. Perhaps if I spent years on the psychiatrist's couch, I might be able to fathom the reason, and then again, perhaps not. But in the meantime the pounds pack on and the health gains disappear as if by magic as well.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I realized today that waiting for magic to happen is a fool's game and that the real magic is making a decision to do something and stick with it. It's not necessarily going to be easy. And maybe saying no to the cake or the cookie or the ice cream is going to wrench the hell out of you, but the magic is that when you do it you get to give yourself a pat on the back, an internal message of "good girl", a pep talk that healthier is better, a walking taller, a hope that those old "skinny jeans" that you may have hidden from yourself in the back of the closet will someday fit again, even if they are out of style, or no longer appropriate to your age or station in life.
So, making a decision will be the magic that we learn to make. The smooth card trick is making it seem easy when it's not, the rabbit that we pull out of the hat is the good health that makes itself known in the new lab results we get, or the new numbers on the scale, or the fact that the hill that is at the end of our walk now goes unnoticed rather than a huffing and puffing exercise. So to my wonderful cohorts at Project Transformation, our Magic Castle is not on a hill in Hollywood, but rather right off the freeway at Lindero Canyon in Westlake Village. And it is populated by master magicians of all disciplines, card tricksters at nutrition, rabbit producers in the gym, and teachers of strategic thinking in all the other departments. Making it happen is better than waiting for it to happen. Waiting may be easier, but making it is so creative, so proactive, that it has the power to make magicians of us as well.
Monday, May 17, 2010
How do you see yourself?
It was a lovely and rewarding weekend that began on Saturday with our group (minus one) meeting to discuss group health strategies. I have found it to be energizing to meet with the group and to get to know each other a bit at a time. Where we were all pretty guarded at first about our more personally held worries, now we are feeling a bit safer I would say. Some of us have sleep issues, some weight issues, and some other health issues. I always spend some of the time coming and going from the Hotel thinking about the program, where it is going and why I am there and how I am best going to take advantage of all there is to learn, to partake of, and to do. So on Saturday we talked about goals and measurements of success. Hearing everyone's ideas is such a help, and everyone is so generous with encouragement and good feeling. I think that we are becoming an actual group rather than just a gathering of people. I feel so good when I am at the gym and run into someone. Every now and then I see Kristy working hard, and Dave and I were the sole users of the gym on a recent Saturday nite. I've learned that Sophia finds the treadmill boring so she walks outside, and an injured foot caused Bill some slowdown. I saw Kristin after a workout and found out her hair is really wavy, and Percy had a wonderful trip and is starting later, but with equal enthusiasm. Casi's hours make it unlikely I will run into her except when we have group meetings, but all the same it's like learning about the people who live on the same floor in a dorm, or getting together with a new book club or something. We are learning about each other and finding differences and similarities that make us real to each other.
I thought that I was the only one for whom the first blush of excitement has worn off and who now has to buckle down and make it work. But I found out on Saturday that I'm not. At first it was the excitement and disbelief about our great good luck at being winners that made us sail along in the deep waters of new experiences, new ways of doing things and looking ar our time and our exercise and our food commitments. Now, I think that we are all aware that the hard work sets in. It is the scheduling, the fitting in of blocks of time to do what needs to be done, the changes in lifestyle and eating styles on a more or less permnent basis that makes it a challenge. After all, we have been doing what we did to get the way we are for a lot of years. Now is the time for change and so now we face challenges, and I am sure that each of us faces different ones.
Meditations on body image, diets, all kinds of programs that are geared to weight loss or change ask the practitioner to visualize him/herself the way they hope to be. If it is thin, to hold that image of themselves in the mind''s eye. I use "thin" and "weight loss" here as examples because that is my issue. If it is fitness for others, they have other images to hold. This morning I realized that when those meditations asked for a "picture", I have just kind of been glossing over that. I realized that I don't have or haven't been able to conjure that picture. I know that I want to be wearing slim fitting jeans with a tucked in blouse and a belt, but my own head, my own face is never in that picture. So when I say "what's wrong with this picture?" the answer is that I don't recognize it as me. That's a real challenge. The ability to see myself as I want to be. I wonder if any of the others have that problem, the ability to visualize themselves as they want to be.
So does it, do you think, as my cousin suggests, have something to do with feeling deserving? It's an important question for me and one I really have to ponder. I have always been the kind of person who felt that I could have what I wanted if I just worked harder at it. Not always the case as we know. You can't make someone love you by working harder. You can't keep someone alive by working harder at it. But I guess those two examples can be refuted. We can keep ourselves healthier and presumably alive longer by getting healthier with this program as the CHLI teaches us. And I guess we can learn to love ourselves by giving this golden opportunity everything we've got.
I'm learing that there are personal weak spots that I have to plan for in order to overcome them. I am getting better at it, but it needs work. Isn't it nice that there are things to do and learn and improve no matter how old you are? And isn't it delightful when you find a group of people that happened to come together through no fault or effort of their own and yet find a way to be friendly, encourage each other, learn from each other, laugh together, and work toward personal goals in concert with each other. In concert, I like that. By the time we finish this program, we could be a symphony. Wouldn't that be terrific?
I thought that I was the only one for whom the first blush of excitement has worn off and who now has to buckle down and make it work. But I found out on Saturday that I'm not. At first it was the excitement and disbelief about our great good luck at being winners that made us sail along in the deep waters of new experiences, new ways of doing things and looking ar our time and our exercise and our food commitments. Now, I think that we are all aware that the hard work sets in. It is the scheduling, the fitting in of blocks of time to do what needs to be done, the changes in lifestyle and eating styles on a more or less permnent basis that makes it a challenge. After all, we have been doing what we did to get the way we are for a lot of years. Now is the time for change and so now we face challenges, and I am sure that each of us faces different ones.
Meditations on body image, diets, all kinds of programs that are geared to weight loss or change ask the practitioner to visualize him/herself the way they hope to be. If it is thin, to hold that image of themselves in the mind''s eye. I use "thin" and "weight loss" here as examples because that is my issue. If it is fitness for others, they have other images to hold. This morning I realized that when those meditations asked for a "picture", I have just kind of been glossing over that. I realized that I don't have or haven't been able to conjure that picture. I know that I want to be wearing slim fitting jeans with a tucked in blouse and a belt, but my own head, my own face is never in that picture. So when I say "what's wrong with this picture?" the answer is that I don't recognize it as me. That's a real challenge. The ability to see myself as I want to be. I wonder if any of the others have that problem, the ability to visualize themselves as they want to be.
So does it, do you think, as my cousin suggests, have something to do with feeling deserving? It's an important question for me and one I really have to ponder. I have always been the kind of person who felt that I could have what I wanted if I just worked harder at it. Not always the case as we know. You can't make someone love you by working harder. You can't keep someone alive by working harder at it. But I guess those two examples can be refuted. We can keep ourselves healthier and presumably alive longer by getting healthier with this program as the CHLI teaches us. And I guess we can learn to love ourselves by giving this golden opportunity everything we've got.
I'm learing that there are personal weak spots that I have to plan for in order to overcome them. I am getting better at it, but it needs work. Isn't it nice that there are things to do and learn and improve no matter how old you are? And isn't it delightful when you find a group of people that happened to come together through no fault or effort of their own and yet find a way to be friendly, encourage each other, learn from each other, laugh together, and work toward personal goals in concert with each other. In concert, I like that. By the time we finish this program, we could be a symphony. Wouldn't that be terrific?
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