Waiting for......magic?

This morning as I was making the bed, a phrase flashed through my mind: " Waiting for something to happen is not the same as making it happen". I know that what seems profound to one person is pretty ho-hum to another, and my mother would have looked at me with a smirk and claimed 'Columbus!' indicating that I had said something pretty obvious, but perhaps if I explain...
Since I have been fighting the weight issue for a long time now, and at times have been pretty successful, only to fall off the wagon and have to start over again, I have tried for years to understand what happens to me when eating right, or in this case, sanely, is easy. Saying no to what is not good for me is not a struggle, not a wrenching, and certainly not a deprivation. It is just saying no, not now, not this time, I don't really care for any right now, perhaps another time. Those times seemed to descend on me by magic. And sometimes they lasted for really extended periods of time--a year, sometimes two. So as if by magic, the weight fell off and I was happy and people were complimentary and approving, and I thought it would be forever, because it was so easy.... and then the day came when the magic fell away, the old curse seemed to descend once more. The eat anything-eat seconds-eat what- makes-you-feel-not-so-good-but-tastes-wonderful-going-down curse. The eat-without- thinking, let alone thinking- about- consequences curse.
The problem was that there was no rhyme or reason that I could see for the magic shield to have come to protect me, and again no reason for it to have departed. Perhaps if I spent years on the psychiatrist's couch, I might be able to fathom the reason, and then again, perhaps not. But in the meantime the pounds pack on and the health gains disappear as if by magic as well.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I realized today that waiting for magic to happen is a fool's game and that the real magic is making a decision to do something and stick with it. It's not necessarily going to be easy. And maybe saying no to the cake or the cookie or the ice cream is going to wrench the hell out of you, but the magic is that when you do it you get to give yourself a pat on the back, an internal message of "good girl", a pep talk that healthier is better, a walking taller, a hope that those old "skinny jeans" that you may have hidden from yourself in the back of the closet will someday fit again, even if they are out of style, or no longer appropriate to your age or station in life.
So, making a decision will be the magic that we learn to make. The smooth card trick is making it seem easy when it's not, the rabbit that we pull out of the hat is the good health that makes itself known in the new lab results we get, or the new numbers on the scale, or the fact that the hill that is at the end of our walk now goes unnoticed rather than a huffing and puffing exercise. So to my wonderful cohorts at Project Transformation, our Magic Castle is not on a hill in Hollywood, but rather right off the freeway at Lindero Canyon in Westlake Village. And it is populated by master magicians of all disciplines, card tricksters at nutrition, rabbit producers in the gym, and teachers of strategic thinking in all the other departments. Making it happen is better than waiting for it to happen. Waiting may be easier, but making it is so creative, so proactive, that it has the power to make magicians of us as well.

Beginning the Transformation.

Well, the transformation is beginning. As I told you, first I had to get over that "first day of kindergarten" apprehension, and then I just had to get started. So, after Tuesday's adventure, I actually went into the gym and did what the trainer had asked me to do--20 minutes of cardio walking. Having never used a treadmill, I needed some instruction, and the first day was done a bit gingerly, but by yesterday, I was really into it. I not only increased speed, but used the incline as well, and got into my peak rate. First day barely made it into the cardio part of the chart, yesterday, I got through cardio to peak rate. I think that a lot of it has to do with comfort, and taking things a step at a time, the Kaizen way as I have learned. Years ago, when I had lost that first large block of weight, I didn't know that I was doing Kaizen, but I was. First I used to walk to the rubbish can near the car to discard Lucy's stuff, then when they moved the can, I walked over to where they had moved it, and after a few weeks of that being comfortable, I thought, why not bypass this can walk to the further one, and so on until I was walking the whole mile course at the park without even thinking about it. I used to think that the one mile I walked in the morning was all I could manage, but now that I am taking on more exercise, I can see that if I do it gradfually, I realize that I can do that and more.
Now I have to admit that the reward of working out in such delightful surroundings is that luxurious extra benefit that makes it so very appealing. It is wonderful to have all of the amenities right there. There is the cardio theater--the TV that is hooked up to the treadmill and other machines, that makes the time fly by--the iced towels for after the workout and the clean fluffy white towels that are there for comfort and drying off, the ice water, the friendly smiling faces checking to see if you need anything, and the ultra luxurious locker room. It is a pleasure to shower and clean up and be ready to face wherever you have to go afterward, instead of red faced and sweaty.
Today I am scheduled for my first spa treatment, a massage, and I am really looking forward to it. I think that what I am learning here, and possibly the most valuable lesson that I might learn through this is that there is nothing selfish or bad about taking good care of myself. By doing so I will be better able to take care of the other important people in my life. I already feel stronger and more vital. And I've only done two cardio workouts! Think how it will be to really be strong and healthy. I might be unstoppable. It is really a new concept for me that I am deserving in any way, and that I may be served as I try to serve others.
So the Transformation is really beginning. Not only the physical, but the mental as well and in the final analysis, it's all mental, isn't it? It's what makes us say yes to getting up and going to the gym, it's what makes us realize that we really don't need that second helping of food, it's what makes us say no to being over committed when what we really may need is some down-time. It may become (if we are determined and lucky) a realization that that cookie that want is really just a substitute for an extra hour of sleep that we really need, or that ice cream we are craving is the substitute for that hug that we really needed when we were feeling a little down and didn't realize that people really cannot read our minds so we have to ask for one.
I really look forward to getting together with my cohort group to see if they too are making a mental transformation, or if, being probably the eldest among them, I tend to reflect and cogitate more.
Well, I am off to my day. I have not thought about using the gym on the weekends, the the tought as entered my mind. It it Kaizen working? Now that I have done this comfortably, I can add something? I don't know but I like it. So here's to that change. That princess's tiara is out there 6 months away, and I can see it shining. It's like grabbing for the brass ring on a merry-go-round. I never dared take the risk to lean that far out of my comfort zone. But I am leaning out there now. I'll let you know what happens. There is a blessing in my culture, "May you go form strength to strength". I feel as if I am doing that now. Come with me.

Getting started: Day of consultations

I am poised and ready to begin my Personal Transformation from frog into princess now that I have spent a whole day being examined, Reiki'd, and treated to consultations about nutrition, fitness, life/work balance and motivation, not to mention a delicious lunch. Being in such beautiful surroundings and treated as if you are already a princess deserving of all of this attention and pampering is quite an experience. One that is all new to me. Sometimes I really enjoy it, and sometimes I have to admit that I am a bit intimidated. Dr. Barr, who did my physical was just so nice, and so attentive as if everything I said was important to hom and to me. It is the way all doctors should be, but simply do not have the time to be. Everyone else I deal with at the CHLI is equally nice, from the receptionists onward. Even the lady who served my lunch at the pool was sweet and helpful. ♠
People are really helpful and friendly and interested in my well-being. I can't even begin to imagine how tired they are at the end of the day, even though the surroundings are beautiful-- an exquisite vista from every window, luxurious seating groups and furnishings and every detail that has been attended to. I have been given the OK to move ahead on my program and now I will consult my schedule to see what the next big programmatic highlight is. We will finally come to gether as a group for pictures and a class on Tuesday night at 6pm on a book that we were given to read called The Kaizen Way. It is about using the philosophy of taking one step at a time in order to accomplish big change. Sometimes when we contemplate large changes, they are so overwhelming that it throws us into a state of fear. But if we deconstruct it down to manageable and no-so-scarey steps, put it in the form of simple questions that the brain then can think about and provide answers to, because the brain will rise to the bait of a puzzle, then we can accomplish more. I am really looking forward to meeting and getting to know the other people who will be on the journey with me. I hope that we will be friends and that we will be able to help each other along the way.
To take you through the day with me, first I had a cardio gram and spirometry (measure of lung function), then a very complete history and physical. The medical facility there at the CHLI is amazing. It seems to be very self contained, with its own digital mammography, MRI, many consulting rooms, and rooms for specialized consults. Later in the morning, after I met with my nutritionist, I cam back to the medical facility to meet with their Healer and hypnotherapist. After talking for a while, she brought me to a quiet room, darkened and heated, with soft music. She explained that she was going to pass hands over various parts of my body where she would clear the way. It is as if several past surgeries had created blockages, and by working this way, she was able to open up the way for healing. It was wonderful and relaxing. I look forward to seeing her again and doing some hypnotherapy as well.
Nutrition is the door which opened up this process for me. Paulette, my nutritionist, gave me a chart to keep, but the most important thing is how to view your eating patterns. If you take your weight and multiply by 10, that is the number of calories you need for maintenance of your weight. If you want to lose, then you would take your desired weight, multiply by ten, and take in only that number of calories. The deficit from your actual weight maintenance to your desired weight maintenance is how you will lose the weight. Add in exercise, in other words, calorie burning activity, and it adds to the deficit and the amount of weight you will lose. But the real kicker was, the chart she wanted me to keep and how to keep it. For each day, you record either a dash (meaning a good diet day), an 0 (meaning you may have added a cookie, or a treat or some other overage) or an X (meaning a binge day). If you look at the chart, it is easy to see graphically that you are being OK most days, with a binge now and then, but the real gem for me was that having a treat does not make a bad day, (or me a bad person), it just may be a maintenance day, rather than a day that the deficit will mean a weight loss. What I really want to pass on to you is the concept that have something out of the parameters of your diet, what ever that may be is a day that you are maintaining rather than losing. It will take two diet days to make up for a binge day, but remembering that one cooking, or one cupcake, or a few chips does not a disaster make, so you don't have to just throw the whole day away. Stick with the diet day, even if you have stepped out of bounds for a minute. After all the whole game is not lost when the volley ball goes out of bounds once. You just move on to the next serve. So keep that in mind. It was a real revelation to me. I have lots of other tips and interesting things I have learned to pass on, but for another blog. I hope you are well and learning too.

Well, since I have no fans yet, I am writing this for the sake of continuity. Last week, I am happy to say, I got another of those happy phone calls. Come back to the CHLI for a second and I am assuming a final interview. Agian, not tennis shoes, so I am assuming that they are not going to test my agility or how many times I can run around the grounds. The dress is again business casual, there are fewer invitees this time, and as I recall, the date of decision was supposed to be March 18. The allotted time is 2 hours this time and I have to be there at 5pm. I am debating whethere I should be wearing green this time, as one of the interviewers mentioned that he thought I would be wearing green that time. It is not really my very best color, But I happen to have a shirt in that color. I am feeling pretty excited about this whole process, and yet am calm. I realize that my schedule will change drastically if I am chosen, as I will have to appear there a minimum of three times a week. However, to take six months and just concentrate on me, on what is good for me, and to learn some things about how best to do that is very appealing.
The possibility of being included in this experiment is very exciting. I have never before really concentrated on me, what is good for me and having some help with that. I guess pregnancy comes the closest to such self awareness and self care, but is it really self, or is it all for the baby?As I recall, it was not the self that was the important part, unlike this experiment. It was the self as a vessel for something else. I worry that it is too selfish to do this, but I have no one depending on me. My children are grown, my husband is self sufficient, and I keep saying that I want it to be my turn. I have to really mean it. I think I do.
I imagine what it will be like to dance again, and to feel light, and to be able to wear the clothes I really love instead of what might look good for the moment. I keep feeling that this is a great chance for me to really do it, and I hope that even if I don't get chosen, I will be able to stay with what I have learned and to make a better stab, one that will really stick for the long haul. I have realized that most of my eating is pretty good. I realize that I have two real enemies, and they are sweets and bread. I just adore bread in any form, and of course that includes whatever tops them like butter and such. I stopped eating bread and sweets last week, and it is amazing how aware it has made me of all the other things that I put in my mouth. When I am in control of what I am putting in my mouth, I feel happier.
So here is to aware eating, aware exercise, and hopefully making a personal transformation with the help of the CHLI. It is a heavenly place, the surroundings are gorgeous, everyone smiles, there has been so much attention to detail, to serving every part of one, the eyes with the exquisite surroundings, the ears, with the sound of gently falling falling water, the sense of smell with all of the flowers and orchids, and the on and on. What an interesting next six months we could have learing all about how to take better care of ourselves, because if I am chosen, I would love to share all I learn.