Learning about myself

I haven't forgotten to write, but I have been so busy trying to digest and distill some of the things that I learned over the past weekend at a seminar that I have been stumped. The seminar was about the energy of money, but it wasn't about investments or anything, but about our relationships with money. The reason I bring it up is that it was applicable to so many things other and more than money.
I found myself thinking about my relationship with my body, and with fitness and health. That's why I mention it. We Project Transformationists are actually learning to have a better relationship with self than the one we have been having. I think that the culture,or society, or whatever you want to call it has set us up to be always disapproving, always disappointed, with what we see and how we are with our bodies. We aren't thin enough, or young enough, or pretty enough. Here I will speak for myself. I can't ever remember a time in my life that I looked in the mirror and loved what I saw. Oh I might like my hair, or the way my make-up looks that day, but never the whole package. There are so many things to pick on. I'm not the size I would like to be, or my arms are flabby, or my legs are too white. The speaker on Saturday brought up the proposition "If I were more relaxed about money [my body], what would I not be doing with it that I am currently doing, and what would I be doing with it that I am not currently doing?" Because I want to put some conscious intentionality into the space.
So substituting our health, or the way we treat our bodies for the subject of money, how are we spending it? The speaker spoke about leaking money. Leaking occurs when you are using it in a way that doesn't bring you enjoyment. She gave the example of spending $7 at Starbucks each day for a coffee and a croissant that you eat without even thinking about it, without enoyment--on the run. I got to thinking about what I do mindlessly with regard to my health--like taking an extra helping that I don't need, or making a choice that might not be in my best interest, or not taking the time to exercise, which will give me energy for further endeavors. Am I leaking my health by sitting in front of the TV mindlessly watching reruns? Am I leaking my health when we I let fear take over thinking that something is too hard for me, instead of going for it. My first hike proved to me that I can get there, even if I have to go slowly. By now, two weeks later, I am already ready to take on Charmlee park. Another really appropos quote: "A moment of discomfort is a small price to pay for enlightenment".
Maria, Saturday's speaker, reminded us that "Success is doing what you said you would do, consistently, with clarity, focus ease and grace." Our six months of building new habits is the opportunity of a lifetime, to take into the future so that we can approve of ourselves, and conquer the hero's path. Speaking for myself, I am attaining clarity, and I am certainly focused. The ease and grace are still to come, but I'm working on it. Goals should be the signposts along the path of your Life's Intention. My intention is to get slim, fit and healthy. The goals are weight loss, eating consciously, exercising regularly, remaining alert and engaged in life and enjoyment. Since Maria gave us the requirements that a goal should meet, I am passing them on to you. A goal should be 1.)specific [I want to lose 10 pounds], 2.)measureable [I have lost 10 pounds], 3.)attainable or achieveable [it's 10 not 100], 4.)relate to a life intention [to be slim fit and healthy] and 5.)time based [I want to do it in 3 weeks]. Remember that we learned that small actions taken can change your life. Don't wait for your self confidence to get better, it will get better with action. We have to remind ourselves that we are in a game worth playing for a goal worth playing for.
I am going to close with what was possibly the best thing I learned this weekend, and that is that It's not necessary to overcome fear, it is always there. It doesn't mean anything, about you, your goals, or your dreams--sometimes it's just a sign that you are doing something out of your comfort zone. Gently shift the focus of your attention from the fear to your life's intention and your goals. When you are feeling fear, that's all it is, it is simply fear. Inevitable obstacles that occur make you stronger. Mastery is about learning to master obstacles--without obstacles there is no mastery.

How do you see yourself?

It was a lovely and rewarding weekend that began on Saturday with our group (minus one) meeting to discuss group health strategies. I have found it to be energizing to meet with the group and to get to know each other a bit at a time. Where we were all pretty guarded at first about our more personally held worries, now we are feeling a bit safer I would say. Some of us have sleep issues, some weight issues, and some other health issues. I always spend some of the time coming and going from the Hotel thinking about the program, where it is going and why I am there and how I am best going to take advantage of all there is to learn, to partake of, and to do. So on Saturday we talked about goals and measurements of success. Hearing everyone's ideas is such a help, and everyone is so generous with encouragement and good feeling. I think that we are becoming an actual group rather than just a gathering of people. I feel so good when I am at the gym and run into someone. Every now and then I see Kristy working hard, and Dave and I were the sole users of the gym on a recent Saturday nite. I've learned that Sophia finds the treadmill boring so she walks outside, and an injured foot caused Bill some slowdown. I saw Kristin after a workout and found out her hair is really wavy, and Percy had a wonderful trip and is starting later, but with equal enthusiasm. Casi's hours make it unlikely I will run into her except when we have group meetings, but all the same it's like learning about the people who live on the same floor in a dorm, or getting together with a new book club or something. We are learning about each other and finding differences and similarities that make us real to each other.
I thought that I was the only one for whom the first blush of excitement has worn off and who now has to buckle down and make it work. But I found out on Saturday that I'm not. At first it was the excitement and disbelief about our great good luck at being winners that made us sail along in the deep waters of new experiences, new ways of doing things and looking ar our time and our exercise and our food commitments. Now, I think that we are all aware that the hard work sets in. It is the scheduling, the fitting in of blocks of time to do what needs to be done, the changes in lifestyle and eating styles on a more or less permnent basis that makes it a challenge. After all, we have been doing what we did to get the way we are for a lot of years. Now is the time for change and so now we face challenges, and I am sure that each of us faces different ones.
Meditations on body image, diets, all kinds of programs that are geared to weight loss or change ask the practitioner to visualize him/herself the way they hope to be. If it is thin, to hold that image of themselves in the mind''s eye. I use "thin" and "weight loss" here as examples because that is my issue. If it is fitness for others, they have other images to hold. This morning I realized that when those meditations asked for a "picture", I have just kind of been glossing over that. I realized that I don't have or haven't been able to conjure that picture. I know that I want to be wearing slim fitting jeans with a tucked in blouse and a belt, but my own head, my own face is never in that picture. So when I say "what's wrong with this picture?" the answer is that I don't recognize it as me. That's a real challenge. The ability to see myself as I want to be. I wonder if any of the others have that problem, the ability to visualize themselves as they want to be.
So does it, do you think, as my cousin suggests, have something to do with feeling deserving? It's an important question for me and one I really have to ponder. I have always been the kind of person who felt that I could have what I wanted if I just worked harder at it. Not always the case as we know. You can't make someone love you by working harder. You can't keep someone alive by working harder at it. But I guess those two examples can be refuted. We can keep ourselves healthier and presumably alive longer by getting healthier with this program as the CHLI teaches us. And I guess we can learn to love ourselves by giving this golden opportunity everything we've got.
I'm learing that there are personal weak spots that I have to plan for in order to overcome them. I am getting better at it, but it needs work. Isn't it nice that there are things to do and learn and improve no matter how old you are? And isn't it delightful when you find a group of people that happened to come together through no fault or effort of their own and yet find a way to be friendly, encourage each other, learn from each other, laugh together, and work toward personal goals in concert with each other. In concert, I like that. By the time we finish this program, we could be a symphony. Wouldn't that be terrific?